Out of the Woods
by BrilliantDarkness
Summary: Jimmy and Violet set out for a life they think is what they finally need. As is so often the case, the road is not smooth.
1. Chapter 1

Violet blinked rapidly and swallowed hard before slinking into the darkness which would hide her tears. There was a time when the darkened woods would have terrified her, when all she would have thought of was the searing pain, the hands on her throat and the darkness that followed. In this moment, however, she hoped to meet the shadow. The very thought was absurd, of course, since he'd been dead roughly eight years. The man had anyway. The real shadow, she knew, lived on and came to her dreams at night and dampened what should have been the little joys of her days.

Even a week earlier, she would have stayed clear of dark places like these woods she now found herself in. A week earlier she still hadn't discovered the only man she'd ever loved lying bleeding in the street. She was quickly realizing that he had accumulated every bit as much pain and anger through the years as she had. His words to her just now had proven that.

"Oh face it, Vi," she chastised herself, "You're not upset about what he said. You're upset that it was all the truth."

Things had started with such hope. They had stood in her kitchen talking of how wonderful it would be to settle somewhere. Neither of them had allowed that much and they looked forward to staying somewhere, planting roots. And Jimmy still had loved ones in Rock Creek, as did Violet. Her parents were still there which is how she knew that Teaspoon Hunter was looking to retire and that since Rachel Dunne had gotten married and moved away a couple of years before that the town had been hard pressed to keep a teacher in its employ. Violet hadn't given the job in Rock Creek much thought. There were too many memories there and she always felt it better to stay away but she was finding those memories fading and taking the place they had always been destined for—the background. What happened to her would always be a part of her but maybe it didn't have to be all of her. Jimmy had been running from memories as well and she thought it would be good for him too to go and face them down and maybe together they would find the courage they had separately lacked.

They had sat together and ate supper and it felt good to cook for him. He was appreciative and complimented her on everything. And it hadn't seemed like he had offered those compliments to be polite but because he really meant them. As she had prepared their meal, she had also made two custard pies. Once they finished eating, she sent Jimmy to the saloon to deliver one of them to Jake Danvers. She explained how she never would have gotten Jimmy home the night before without Jake's help and that she wanted to send him a token of her appreciation. Jimmy had remarked he was grateful too and had happily set off toward the saloon.

He had come home a short while later and seemed slightly different to her. She couldn't place what had changed at first and just chalked it up to the newness of the situation. They ate their own dessert in near silence. The only interruption of that silence had been right after Jimmy had taken the first bite of pie.

"This is just as good as I remember," he said, "You always did make a damned good custard pie."

Violet had beamed at him. Once they finished eating—Jimmy had eaten four pieces of pie himself—the silence became unsettled. It was as if they suddenly forgot how to talk to each other. Violet tried to busy herself with the dishes and then with her embroidery and finally with a book. Jimmy paced a while and then found one or two small things that needed fixing—the front door stuck a little and the rail on the back porch was wobbly—and then finally sat down with a newspaper. The waning light had brought a realization to Violet that sleeping arrangements had not been discussed and that more than anything else in the world, she did not want to discuss them. So she stood and went to the back porch and sat with her head in her hands trying to even think of what she wanted.

He had always caused her to have stirrings of something she thought was desire. She loved him and was fairly certain they would marry but for the night she wasn't sure where this should go. They weren't married yet. She frankly wasn't sure about the thought of having him touch her like that. No man had except the shadow and then Jimmy last night and he was still half drunk and under the assumption they had already been, well, intimate. She could feel the panic at remembering his hands pinning her shoulders down. But then when he truly saw her fear, even though he didn't understand it at first, he let her go. He wouldn't force himself on her but that didn't change how unsure she was.

Violet nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard the door open behind her. She heard his footsteps and then felt his closeness to her as he settled onto the step next to where she sat.

"You having second thoughts about leaving?" he asked, "Or is it the leaving with me part that has you scared? I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to stick yourself with me. I sure ain't no prize."

She just sat there for a minute thinking of how to respond. She had never really been all that shy with Jimmy before. She had been terrified when she met him and hurt and traumatized but she could talk to him. He had been so tender and sweet. He had done everything there was to do in order to defend and protect her. That was Jimmy and not the man he became but then they had established that there was enough of Jimmy left to maybe banish Wild Bill.

Finally she just shook her head in surrender. She didn't know how to put into words what frightened her.

"If you want me to move along, I will," he offered, "I got no business with a good woman like you. All I can do is make life harder."

"That's not the problem," she whispered.

"Then what is?" he asked gently as he put an arm around her shoulders. The way she stiffened under his touch answered his question for him. "Oh, I get it. You ain't sure about that part of things. I ain't asking nothing of you, Violet. I figure I got to earn your trust and I ain't done that yet. I can sleep on the couch even, if you want me to."

"I don't know what I want," she admitted.

"Well then let's try this," he ventured, "You pick a place for me—either your bed or the couch—and we go to bed and if it don't feel right then I'll move."

He hugged her tighter and felt her nod against him.

"Glad that's settled," he said, "Maybe you'd let me have a kiss though."

Violet turned her head to face him and leaned almost to touch him and waited in that breathless moment for him to move the rest of the way to her lips but then before he could, she turned away and leaned over the side of the porch looking as though she might be sick. When he reached to put an arm around her, she threw it off and scooted farther from him.

"Vi, honey," he said softly, "What did I do? You was fine with kissing me earlier."

She just curled into a ball and cried. Jimmy was confused. He hadn't even touched her. He hadn't said anything he thought was upsetting but she was crying all the same and he didn't know what to do. But finally she choked out a few words.

"Wh-whiskey," she said weakly, "Whiskey and cigars. He smelled of whiskey and cigars."

Jimmy slumped against the rail and just sat there. She'd had him deliver the pie to the barkeep and he had stayed a few minutes and had a couple drinks and smoked a cigar. He wasn't sure how he had forgotten that whiskey and cigars were their first clue to finding the shadow. She hadn't been able to see him clearly but she had smelled those things.

"Damn," he said and it was all he had to offer.

"I'm sorry," she squeaked as she jumped to her feet and ran inside the house not stopping until her bedroom door was shut tight behind her.

Jimmy stood slowly and made his way inside. He saw the closed door and then looked to the couch knowing it would be his bed for the night and he deserved that too. He sighed and took off his gun belts, vest and shirt before toeing off his boots and settling on the couch. It wouldn't be the most comfortable night's sleep he'd ever have but it wouldn't be the worst either, not by a long shot.

Violet sat on her bed and at first was even too upset to change into her nightclothes. So she set to packing up a few things that she would not want to leave behind. The house itself was provided by the town to the schoolteacher so leaving was not an issue but many things in the house were hers and things she wanted to keep. She had few attachments to things as memories had often been equal to pain for her so she kept as few as she could.

Still she didn't want to leave behind books. They were the few friends she truly had. The last real friend she had was Carrie Dudley and there was no way that Carrie could understand what she had been through. It wasn't Carrie's fault really and she had tried, Violet could see that now, but so much happened to Violet in that time and every bit of it changed who she was. She had been taken by force and learned firsthand of something she had only begun to understand in her tender age. It had been violent and frightening. Carrie was in the midst of her first love in Jesse and she talked of tender caresses and kisses and how Jesse never pressured her and treated her like a lady and Violet listened knowing it was too late for any of that for her. When Carrie made love with someone for the first time, it could be exciting and romantic and loving. Violet would only know pain and cruelty from her first time and it hurt to hear Carrie speak of love that Violet feared she would never know. And all that happened with Jimmy had to stay secret as well. He had kissed her and she wished she could tell someone but no one would understand. She stood to get him in trouble with that information. That was the last thing she wanted to do to her hero. They had shared so much and he had never scared her before. He hadn't scared her just now but sometimes a smell or a sound had the power to take her back to that place and the combination of whiskey and cigar smoke brought her back to being pinned down on the floor of the woods. She could feel the great weight pressing down on her and hear her clothing ripped away from her and it made her throat nearly close with fear. She knew he would never make her feel these things on purpose but she couldn't help the response at that combination of smells.

Violet walked over to the mirror in the corner of the room and looked at herself. She sighed loudly. Plain was all she could think when she saw her face. Brown hair, brown eyes and not even an interesting brown, they were just brown. Her skin was pale and she always thought her nose should be different. It wasn't too big or anything but just it never seemed right. She tried to smile to see if that improved anything as it did with some people but the smile never reached her eyes. She looked every bit the walking dead that she felt herself to be. She undressed and looked again at herself. She had curves where they ought to be, she supposed. Her stomach was not flat as some girls had but she wasn't fat either. Her breasts were of a decent enough size that if she wanted to attract the attentions of men she needed only wear a lower cut dress. She had seen plain girls find husbands before and knew it could happen but those girls had personality. They smiled and laughed and it was genuine when they did. She had none of those things to offer a man and for a while she thought that was okay because maybe she didn't really want one after all. But now there was a man in her front room she did want. She wanted him in her life and she wanted him to hold her and she wanted maybe to even learn of a new way to think of being touched and held but she had nothing to offer. She was dead inside and even a man who had lived as hard as he had deserved better than what she had to give. She slipped her nightgown over her head and sat down on the edge of her bed as she wept.

* * *

Jimmy stood by the fire looking after Violet as she ran into the darkness. That was something she never would have done before he came. Maybe it was good that she was braver now or maybe it wasn't even bravery so much as her thinking that whatever might lurk in the dark woods—and she knew better than most the evil that could be found there—was preferable to spending one more minute in his company. He dragged his hand over his face trying to think how they had gotten to this point. He recalled their first night together which had been filled with rough patches that carried into the day but that had ultimately resulted in their deciding to stick together for a while, forever if he had a say. Supper had gone well and she asked him to run an errand for her which he had gladly done. Then everything went wrong and he found himself on the couch.

He laid there thinking about what had happened on the back porch. She looked at him with terror but then she was looking through him, past him even. She was seeing a hulking shadow over her and possibly feeling all he had done to her. He knew that a smell or sound or even a glimpse of a certain color could take him places he never wanted to go again and hadn't ever wanted to be in the first place. He'd almost been gunned down once because the man he faced wore a red bandanna and for a moment he wanted to reach out because he saw Ike before him. Some days he was thankful he had realized his daydream in time to draw first and some days he wasn't.

He hadn't lied when he told Violet the beautiful woman she had become. Her hair was the same long, wavy golden brown it had been in her youth and her eyes the same that gave him a clear window to her thoughts except that they now contained a mystery she dared him to unravel. He should have recognized that face before he had. It really hadn't changed that much in the years that had passed. Her body had though and it made him think things that he would have turned a gun on himself for thinking about her in the past. She had been developing curves before and on the night he and Cody had killed the shadow, he had been shown that her breasts were developing perhaps a little faster than her peers. Now they had fully developed and while she wasn't all out of proportion or anything, she had an impressive bosom all the same. Another woman in another place and he would have been sweet talking her to get under her corset and under her skirts as well. In the dark as he lay on the couch alone, he could still remember how soft her skin had been under his fingers the night before. He wanted so badly to touch her again but he had been banished and he might be banished for good, for all he knew.

If she let him stay with her, if she wanted him to go with her still, he knew he would have to wait to act on all of his feelings. He wasn't sure exactly how long he could hold out but he hoped he could for long enough. He didn't want to be another that hurt her.

* * *

**Yeah I told you all that I maybe had one more story with these two. It was supposed to be another one shot but it got long...it is actually completely written and I am just editing and dividing it into chapters. So there shouldn't be large waits for updates. I hope this serves to settle things for everyone.**

**Oh and this is inspired once again by the haunting words of Marcus Mumford. I will post the lyrics to the song that set my muse running at the end of the story but you are free to look up the song Hopeless Wanderer from the upcoming album Babel.-J**


	2. Chapter 2

Violet tried to sleep and for once, it wasn't fear that kept her from it. She had heard Jimmy settle onto her couch and knew that she was safe from anything that might try to come in and hurt her. It wasn't as if anything ever had, but fear could be a tough thing to shake. She found that out by not being scared enough of something once and the lesson she had taken was to be scared of everything. It wasn't rational but then neither was anything that happened to her.

She couldn't sleep though. She needed to talk to him, to explain, to tell him she still loved him. She did love him too. He had hardened through the years but there was still something of the young man who had once sat on the porch talking about his sisters like she was any other person. He never talked to her like a child or like he was doing her a favor. He never treated her like what happened had sullied her in his eyes. He had treated her as a friend, an equal. She owed him the same thing.

She stood and wrapped her robe around herself and went out into the front room to find Jimmy curled on her couch. He looked like he had been folded onto the thing and even still his feet hung off the edge. He looked to be asleep and she thought about turning back toward her room when he spoke.

"If you don't want me here, I'll go," he whispered sounding hurt, "I wasn't sure what you wanted when you came in but if you want me gone, just say so."

Violet crossed to him and knelt next to the couch. She reached and laid a hand on his cheek.

"I don't want you gone," she told him, "I can't hold it against you that you didn't remember something that happened years ago. I wish I could let go of things like that but I don't know how. I don't want you to leave though. I never did want you to leave."

He picked her hand up from his face and kissed the palm tenderly.

"I don't want to leave," he said gently, "So I guess I'm staying. You should try to sleep though. I'll be right here."

"No," she said, "Is it too much to ask of you to hold me? I feel I ask so much. I have always asked so much of you and you've never asked for anything in return but I can't sleep and if you held me, maybe I could."

"That ain't anything to ask," he assured her, "To tell you the truth, I'll be glad to get off this couch. Your bed's a lot more comfortable."

She stood and headed back to her room, looking behind only once to make sure he was following her. Once inside her room she dropped her robe and climbed into bed and looked up to see Jimmy looking uncertain. He had not removed his pants when he had settled himself to try to sleep before but she knew he usually would, or felt fairly certain that he usually would, sleep in only his undergarments. Still, telling him to take his pants off seemed strange to her.

"That's not how you normally sleep, is it?"

"No," he admitted, "I usually sleep in less."

"You won't upset me by being comfortable," she said casting her eyes somewhere to the wall behind him.

He self-consciously removed his trousers draping them over the back of the chair she had sat in the night before and then hurried to climb under the blankets with her. She quietly scooted closer to him and allowed his arms to envelop her. She noticed that the smells that had upset her earlier had faded and might have been more attached to his clothing. She inhaled and found the scent that had calmed her and made her feel safe that day when it seemed she would never be safe again. Nestling her face into the skin of his neck she could smell that unmistakable combination of leather, gunpowder and outdoors that she would always know as her safe place.

"You smell like you again," she said, her voice half muffled in his chest, "Instead of him."

"I won't do that to you again," he promised.

They fell asleep in order to wake early the next day. They quickly finished packing and loaded up her wagon. She had moved so much in her time as a teacher that it behooved her to have a wagon and horse to draw it. Violet was going through the house one last time to be sure she had all she cared about when Jimmy came up to the house leading his horse which he had just retrieved. Violet came out and stopped dead.

"Jimmy," she said surprised, "That can't be…can it?"

"Sundance?" he asked, "Yeah, it's him. He's lost a step or two but he's still a damned fine horse. Seen me through far too much to give up on him."

Violet descended the front porch of the house that was no longer hers and walked to the animal. She lifted her hand for him to nuzzle as her mind took her back to days spent sitting on her porch waiting to see the palomino coming over the horizon toward her, bringing her hero for a visit. It was on Sundance's back she had been returned to her parents after the horrible thing had happened. She rested her head for a moment on the horse's muzzle and silently thanked him for bringing Jimmy to her once more.

"You ready?" Jimmy asked as he tied Sundance's lead to the back of her wagon. Violet nodded and allowed him to help her onto the wagon before they took off. They traveled a few miles before Jimmy slowed the wagon and turned on the seat to face Violet.

"I got to know that you're sure about this," he said, "All of it. I don't just mean leaving that town but leaving it with me and going back to Rock Creek. We didn't keep a lot of secrets when we knew each other before and secrets won't help us now either. I think you know that too."

"I am sure, Jimmy," she replied, "I rarely stay anywhere too long and I had no attachments to that town. I'm a little nervous about going back to Rock Creek but I think it's time. Going with you is the thing I am most sure of. I never stopped loving you, Jimmy. I might not know what the future holds but I feel stronger when I'm with you. I need to feel strong instead of just pretending."

"Alright then," he responded and urged her horse faster.

Evening neared and with it a town. They were still days off from their destination and would have to seek accommodations.

"I want to make sure we're thinking the same things, Violet," he said as they approached the town, "Do you want to share a room with me, or not. We did last night and we can again but…"

His voice trailed away and Violet was touched by his thoughtfulness. He had proven that he wasn't going to try anything, at least not right then.

"I'm not sure the hotel will let us share a room," she whispered, "We're not married."

"So we say we are," he replied plainly, "It ain't like they're going to ask to see a marriage license. But that's if you want to."

"I'm not sure if I could sleep alone," she said, "I'd just be checking the door all night."

He nodded and when the front desk clerk asked what they needed Jimmy told him they would need a room for the night and then he signed them in as Mr. and Mrs. Markham. Violet asked why later when they were in their room.

"Most times it's best if folks don't know I'm around. Someone might see me and think it's me but I ain't never used that name before so they wouldn't guess it."

"Will you always have to hide?" she asked him.

"I don't always now," he explained as they readied for bed and he turned away from her to allow her privacy to change into her nightshift. "I just don't need hassles while we're traveling. I ain't going to lie about who I am when we get to where we're going."

"Will men still come for you?"

"They might," he allowed, "Happens less now and men are less likely to come to where I'm comfortable. They'd want to catch me in unfamiliar territory. Traveling is dodgier than settling somewhere. The name'll serve me well for what I'll be doing in Rock Creek."

Once again they found themselves cuddled tight together and once again Violet delighted in the comfort of his arms. Jimmy though was delighting a little less. Her scent and soft skin and hair made it hard for him to keep his hands in respectable places. He wanted to touch her. He wanted to kiss her and he wanted to make love to her. A part of him yelled out that he could do none of those things and he couldn't even want to do them because this was little Violet Markham but a louder voice, one that primarily came from below his waist hollered just vehemently that she wasn't thirteen anymore and he could want anything. Whichever side won that debate, Jimmy knew all the wanting in the world wouldn't make it alright with the brief time they had shared. She was still frightened and he couldn't push it with her, at least not yet. Well, maybe he could kiss her at least.

He stroked a hand along her cheek and tilted her face to his so that he could press his lips to hers. She tensed briefly and then returned his kiss. It was one thing to kiss her standing in her kitchen but quite another to be laying in bed with her and kissing her and having nothing really between them but her thin night shift and the fabric of his union suit. He broke the kiss and then placed one on her forehead.

"Better stop now while I still can," he explained to the confused face that he couldn't see but could somehow feel looking at him.

"You don't want to though, do you?" she asked, "No secrets, remember?"

"Of course I don't want to," he answered with more bite to his voice than he intended, "I don't know a man out there who has a woman in his arms kissing her and thinks to himself, 'This is good. I think I'll stop now.' Not a one."

"Are you angry?"

"No, I ain't," he said softening his tone, "Frustrated is probably a better word for it. I'll get over it. I don't think you trust me enough and I got some things to work out about this too."

"Like what?"

"Like the fact that a little part of me still sees you as thirteen. No one should look at a girl that young like that and then sometimes I see you like I did when we first met. That don't do a lot for feelings of romance. I'll get over it. Mostly I know you ain't ready."

"No, I'm not," she conceded and didn't ask the question she most wanted to ask. Violet knew she would have to in time though. There would be no way around it and, as Jimmy had said, there shouldn't be secrets between them.

"I know," he said gently planting a kiss on her forehead, "Get some sleep."

Violet nodded against him and allowed herself to relax against him and sleep. Slumber came harder for Jimmy whose mind was whirling with thoughts of whether or not taking up with Vi was such a good idea. He didn't lie when he said he loved her and he supposed that was the reason they were together right then but she was so wounded and fragile still. He hadn't been up to the task all those years ago and nothing in his life since then gave him much confidence that he was any better equipped now. It was a weighty prospect to be with her and he was just a man, a very flawed man at that.

The next day of traveling went smoothly and the pair kept their talk light. Jimmy told a few stories of his times during the war and even after and put what he thought was a respectable Cody-style flair to them. Violet giggled at his adventures and then shared a few of her own. She had been mostly trying to avoid life but still had managed to live at least a little and he was fascinated that a girl who went back east and had the chance for a life so completely devoid of any reminders of her hard times would come back west to work. He was fascinated by a fair amount of things with her and not all of them had to do with her choices or the stories she told of her studies. He could not draw his eyes away from her hands and how they moved of their own accord when she spoke like butterflies flitting around flowers in mid-summer. Sometimes she would look so sad or maybe even lost but then her eyes would connect with his and the sadness in them would leave and be replaced with hope. He remembered how during the time of the shadow, his presence would seem to calm her then. He never understood it because he thought he should probably make her more frightened but he had delighted in being the hero, in being someone's security.

In the early afternoon, they came to a town and Jimmy turned to Violet.

"There's not much chance in through here that we'll stumble on another town before nightfall," he told her, "We can stop here now or we can keep moving and make camp somewhere. You don't have all that much in the wagon so there's plenty of room for sleeping if that's what you want but if you want a real bed and to be indoors, this is your last chance today, I'd wager."

"I wired my parents this morning before we left," she reminded him, "They're waiting for me now. They know it will be a little while yet but I don't want to cause them unneeded worry by taking longer than is necessary. It doesn't look like rain. Sleeping out under the stars might be nice."

"It might at that," he mused and they kept going, skirting the town altogether.

That night things were quiet between them but it was a settled sort of quiet. They were tired from traveling and sitting by a fire and listening to crickets chirp was all the more they were up for right then. Violet smiled thinking how peaceful it was to just sit with Jimmy and how maybe someday they might be sitting in their parlor watching the fire crackle in the fireplace. Jimmy would be home from a long day of keeping the peace and they would have already eaten. Perhaps they would talk of the day's events while she worked on some embroidery or maybe even knitted something—perhaps a pair of socks for him.

But then there was still something in Jimmy that didn't speak of settling down. There was a time when Jimmy seemed to long for such a thing as much as she did but perhaps he no longer did. He had said forever but how long is forever to a gunman? Was he still a gunman? Did he want to be?

It was nearing time to sleep and they made their way to the wagon and sat on the end for a while looking at the stars. It was a beautiful, clear night and there seemed to be millions of stars for them to gaze upon.

"Pretty tonight, ain't it?" Jimmy said.

"Beautiful," she replied and something in her voice made him turn to look at her. She was so beautiful in the moonlight and her eyes were filled with wonder at the stars as though it was the first time she had ever seen the spots of light in the night sky. Jimmy was sure he'd never seen anything so beautiful.

"Stars ain't the only pretty things here," he said as his mouth descended on hers. Her mouth was open in surprise and he took full advantage of that. He heard her sigh into him as his tongue explored her mouth. He worked his fingers into her hair, pulling it from its proper style in the process. His other hand ran down the curves of her side and over her thigh and back up again, tracing her shape through her dress. Her hand ran down his arm tenderly and he, lost in the moment, placed it on the front of his pants. She jumped away from him abruptly.

Violet had enjoyed the kiss and felt transported by it. He was so gentle and loving to her, almost reverent. And it felt good too. Kissing him felt good and right. It even felt good and right to have his hand running over her body. It scared her a little too but mostly it felt good. But then he moved her hand and she knew what she was feeling beneath the fabric of his trousers. She jumped up as if scalded.

"Violet, I'm sorry," he said and he was. He should have known better and, in fact, he did know better but he did that anyway. He studied her face and at least saw no fear but he did see horror etched upon her features.

"No, I'm sorry," she said, "This is what you need, isn't it? The thing I can't give you is what you need."

"I let myself get carried away," he told her.

"Because it's what you want."

"It's what all men want, I think," he informed her, "Don't mean we need to be like that about trying to get it. Come sit next to me. I won't even touch you."

"I didn't want to ask because I'm not sure how badly I want to know the answer," she began, "But why are you with me? There are women who wouldn't run from you like this. I've got nothing to offer a man, Jimmy. I'm a shell of a person."

"That's your fear talking," he said, "And I ain't sure it's all fear of me or what I tried to do or even him or what he did do. I think you're just afraid to live, really live."

"I am afraid. Every day I am afraid of everything."

"I don't get you sometimes, Violet. "You don't want my pity or those other men and that's just fine because even if I wanted to pity you, you don't got room for it around your own. I never seen a person so full of pity for themselves. You already decided that your life ended that day and you don't even want to try to prove that wrong because it might take effort or it might hurt. Sometimes life hurts. Sometimes it just does but the rest of the world don't get to stop living just 'cause something hurts or is scary so why do you get to be so special?"

That was when she ran off aimlessly into the woods.

* * *

**Well, you knew things wouldn't be all smooth sailing. Honestly what kind of story is that if it's all easy? But honestly, who can argue with anything Jimmy just said? I think he hit the nail on the head and even though she ran off I think maybe it's good he said it. No one else would have the guts.-J**


	3. Chapter 3

Violet finally stopped running and just leaned against a tree and that's when the panic set in. She was in the woods in the dark. Looking up, there was a half moon just as there had been that night. She wanted to be angry with him for saying things that would drive her out into the darkness where her worst fears lurked but he had been right. He had only told her the truth even if she didn't want to hear it. And maybe her worst fears weren't in the woods but inside herself. She closed her eyes and tried to remember where she had turned and when but she had been so upset when she ran that she hadn't paid any attention at all. Now she was lost and Jimmy probably wouldn't find her until morning, if he even wanted to look for her. She would understand, of course, if he didn't. He was right. She pushed people away, pushed experiences away, pushed life away. She had done it tonight too. It had felt so good in his arms and even when he placed her hand where he did, there was a shot of excitement that ran through her. In honesty she was more afraid of that excitement than she was the rest of it.

Jimmy stood there a few minutes cursing himself. He hadn't said anything that wasn't so but she was still a fragile thing and he should have tempered his words at least a little. Even though the likelihood that anything would happen like had happened before was slight, it was still not safe for her to be in an unfamiliar place like that when it was dark.

"Damn it," he muttered under his breath.

He had to go look for her. Even if she was still furious with him and no longer wanted him on this journey, he had to know she was safe. He didn't even know how he'd find her in the dark. If it was daylight she'd probably be easy to track since she was too upset to even think about covering her trail. But it was dark and the signs that would be so clear in the light were now hidden by the lack of it.

Sighing he headed into what he figured to be a fool's errand but one he knew he could not afford to fail at.

"Violet!"

She heard the call and froze but then quickly realized it was Jimmy and her spirits lifted just a little.

"Jimmy?" she called out in response. Maybe he could find her from the direction of her voice.

"Violet!" he called out again.

"Jimmy!" He heard her but was having trouble determining exactly where her voice was coming from.

"Keep calling to me, Violet!" he yelled out, "It's all I got to help me find you!"

"Jimmy, please hurry," she yelled back, "I'm scared!"

"I know," he said softly as he walked up to her. She hadn't even gotten that far into the woods and he would easily be able to navigate their exit from the trees surrounding them.

Violet reached to embrace him and he stepped back snatching her hand and pulling her back to where they had made camp and their wagon awaited them. Then he turned swiftly to her.

"Don't you ever do that again," he nearly growled at her, "You scared me half to death. Don't make me go chasing through the woods after you. You need to talk to me. You can get scared of anything else but if you're going to be too scared to say what you need to say to me then it looks like we're finished before we started."

"I'm sorry," she said meekly and Jimmy started to get mad thinking she was using the wounded little girl card again but she continued. "You were right and I don't think I wanted to hear it. I think we have a lot to talk about but can we do it tomorrow? I'm tired."

"Yeah, I guess we can," he said, "So I didn't make you so mad that you want to send me on my way?"

"No," she answered, "You didn't make me mad at all. I did."

"If you want I can sleep on the ground," he offered, "Sure wouldn't be the first time."

"I guess then I would have to sleep on the ground too," she replied, "I do use the fear as an excuse but it doesn't change that I get scared at night and having you close helps."

"I don't usually sleep too good either."

"I really am sorry that I scared you," she said, "I didn't even think. Maybe I don't think enough ever."

"I probably shouldn't've yelled at you either," he admitted, "You ain't a little girl and I shouldn't treat you like you are. But you do have folks that care and worry for you—at least one."

Jimmy saw Violet blink a few times and thought she might have been blinking back tears but he didn't want to seem too forward, she was obviously still really touchy. He nodded toward the wagon and she nodded a response and then headed toward it to lie down and get to sleep. Jimmy followed slowly in case she wanted to change her mind and a piece of him maybe wanted her to change her mind. As much as he loved holding her, he knew that there wasn't much he could to but hold her. Frankly holding her wasn't really all he wanted and sometimes it was too hard to have her in his arms and know that he could do nothing more. He even harbored a secret worry that her fears would never allow her to give herself over to him. His own outburst had come at least a little from that fear. Not entirely though; he really was concerned about the way she talked about her life as if there was no hope at all, as if something that was done to her by someone obviously with a problem in his head could change who she was and make her not worth loving or make her life not worth living.

Once Violet was snuggled safely within his arms, though, Jimmy allowed himself to relax. Violet laid her head on his chest and sighed contentedly.

"You know," he began softly, "I never did answer your question."

"What?" she asked raising her head but then lowering it again when he gently stroked her hair.

"You asked why I was with you," he reminded her, "With all the other things you said, that got lost but it's a fair question. It deserves an answer."

"You don't have to," Violet told him and she was suddenly afraid of what she might hear.

"Yes I do," he argued, "I said no secrets and this ain't something that ought to be kept secret anyways."

He felt her tense in his arms as if she wanted to pull away and he rubbed circles on her back to calm and reassure her.

"The simple answer is that I love you, Violet. I have since you was thirteen years old. I tried not to think like that back then 'cause it didn't seem right. I knew you were just a girl but you didn't talk like a little girl or act like one either. And I don't mean you acted wrong, just more…mature, I guess is the word. I think you might've been more mature than me. Don't get me wrong. I don't mean I had thoughts of getting improper. It wasn't like that. There was something inside you—like I loved something deep…who you are at the heart of you."

Violet didn't say anything. She was afraid to speak. He loved her. Maybe he even loved her when she had told him she loved him.

"When I first met you," Jimmy continued, "I was just concerned. I didn't know nothing about you but you'd been hurt and that made me mad. The more time I spent with you, the more I needed to see you. I could see you fighting to smile and get better after something that devastated me just seeing it. I felt like the only hope I had of ever being alright again was making sure you got to be alright and seeing you get better. But then we would sit and talk and you would worry for me and how I was doing. And we'd talk about my sisters and the ones you had that didn't live. It was those quiet little times I think I found myself falling for you. You didn't talk to me like some child but like you was someone older. I forgot your age most times when I talked to you and you seemed like the same as me. It scared the life right out of me when you told me you loved me. I didn't want to think like that because I didn't want to hurt you and I was sure somehow I would. I did too by handling things the way I did. Nearly got you killed when I did that. I just didn't know what to do and honestly if I really never felt anything for you I might have said the right thing but I was trying so hard to not feel what I was afraid I was feeling that I messed up. But I'm pretty sure I was in love with you by then. I knew for sure when I took you to that dance. Would've been a heck of a courtship I think since I don't see your folks being okay with you courting or marrying that young."

"But then you left," she whispered, "You could've stayed and I wasn't going to be that young forever and you could've stayed. But you left."

He laughed bitterly, "I know. I think I was still busy denying and I was trying to do what I thought my father would've wanted me to do. Of course I don't know what he would've wanted for sure but I thought I was fighting for the right cause. I thought that's what Rosemary stood for and I thought she loved me. I was blind and stupid. Of course I was young too and when you're young like that you're allowed to be stupid. I figured things out and left her but then I kind of got caught up in the war. By the time it was over, well…"

He let his words trail away knowing that there was no more that needed saying. Trying to find her would have been ridiculous. He had no way of knowing if she had moved on and married or where she was or even where to begin. And he felt silly even thinking of her. He had thought of Violet many times and also of Alice but he knew going backward wasn't going to help anything.

Neither one of them said anything more and eventually he felt her heavy against him and heard her deep even breathing. Closing his eyes, Jimmy let himself succumb to sleep as well.

Morning came and was, in a word, awkward. Violet wasn't sure what to do with his declaration of love from the night before or the things that had transpired before it. If she was honest, she was almost proud of herself for going into the woods even though she didn't really think it through and had gotten lost. She had faced her fear and found that when she really got down to it and had gotten past her initial panic that the only thing she had feared was being without Jimmy. Knowing that she loved him, she knew that wasn't an irrational fear at all. She woke in a good enough mood, flying a little because of what she felt was, for her, a big accomplishment but still unsure how to talk to him. So much time passed and while she had felt stuck and while she could see glimmers in him of the younger man she had first met, the passing time had changed each of them.

Jimmy wasn't sure what else there was to say after all he had said the night before but somehow he still felt there were things that needed hashing out. He didn't know exactly what most of them were and the ones he did he thought he'd rather fall through the earth than bring them up. And if he was honest, he wasn't feeling that good. They set out on their way and eventually Violet dared to speak.

"I guess we need to talk about things," she said hesitantly.

"Probably we do," he conceded.

"I want you to know something I realized when I was in the woods. You said I shouldn't be afraid of you or of talking to you about things," she began, "I'm not and that wasn't why I ran off. I realized that even as I was trying to be angry with you. I'm afraid of me, or at least that's why I ran off and why I reacted like I did when we were, um, kissing."

"It wasn't kissing that made you run off," he interrupted, "It's what I did while we was kissing."

"No it isn't," she told him, "It was that a part of me wanted, well, I don't know what I wanted. I don't think I'm ready for…well, to let you…I mean…"

"I understand," he interrupted and she gave him that look he remembered so well from when she was a girl. The look said that he was her hero and had saved her once again.

"But I want something," she said, "It wasn't only fear I felt. I thought it was but it was really excitement and I think it had been so long since I felt excited about anything that I didn't recognize it. There was this flutter in my stomach and a shiver went through me and I know that I liked how you touched me. Do you understand what I'm saying?"

"I think so," he replied, "I also think I need to move a little slower and give you time to tell me what you're thinking. I'm sure between the two of us we can figure this whole thing out."

Violet then surprised Jimmy by taking his hand. He had been holding the reins in one hand and resting the other on his thigh and she took that hand in hers and moved their joined hands to her lap. She also scooted closer to him on the seat and tilted her head to rest on his shoulder. He wasn't sure exactly what had caused the shift in her. It might have been facing down her fears of the woods and the dark and being alone or it might have been his words to her or she might have been working toward this the whole time anyway. What he was sure of was that his hand in hers and her head on his shoulder felt good. He felt like a king right about then and had some thoughts occurring to him. The thoughts had nothing to do with the things that she had just been talking about. He had thoughts about that too but his current thoughts were of a very different nature and he knew he'd have to do something about them when the time was right. For the time being he was content to let the thoughts be and see where they took him. Sitting there with her was just fine for right then.

Violet was very proud of herself for speaking up and saying what she needed to say. She wasn't sure if she would have the courage to do it but she really needed to say those things. She needed him to know. Now she sat riding along on the wagon holding his hand and resting her head against him. His scent was the way she remembered when she was carried into town after the bad things happened. She was safe and content and for the first time in a very long time she felt good. She wasn't taking her strength from Jimmy. He helped her feel strong as he always did but she felt something growing within herself and maybe like she could look forward to something. She hadn't looked forward to anything in such a long time. They traveled a little while further before stopping to have a little something to eat. Violet hummed to herself as she pulled food from a bag she had brought and stocked up even more at the town they had stopped in. It wouldn't be a fancy lunch but there were biscuits and cheese and apples and they wouldn't starve any time soon at any rate. When she handed Jimmy his apple she noticed his hand was shaking terribly. Her brow furrowed and she looked up at his face. It was drained of all color and she could see the droplets of sweat on his brow. It was a very comfortable day and she wasn't even perspiring lightly. Jimmy, however, looked as though he had been running or lifting heavy things or chopping wood.

"Jimmy?" she asked as she lifted her hand to feel his brow and pulling it back abruptly at the cold clamminess of his skin. "What's the matter? Are you ill?"

"Not exactly," he said his voice low. He looked ashamed as if he didn't want her to see him this way.

"You look as though you're ill. You need to rest," she declared, "Lay down in the wagon and I'll get us to the next town. We can get a room and you'll have a nice soft bed to lie down in."

"That's not a good idea," he choked out.

"And why not?" she demanded, "What aren't you telling me?"

All the while she was talking, she was also leading him to the back of the wagon. Whatever was wrong, he at least needed to lie down and she was going to make him do that.

"Stop trying to take care of me," he growled at her weakly, "It's my own damned fault and I deserve you to just leave me here to die."

They were both surprised by her next action as she reached up and grabbed the front of his shirt and dragged him forward to bend enough to look her in the eye. He flinched at the look he saw there. He thought he had seen anger in her before but she was somewhere beyond mad at him now.

"Tell me what is wrong," she said through clenched teeth that signaled the end of her patience. "Now!"

* * *

**This author's note comes to you from Jimmy who is terribly worried that he comes off like a skeezy pedophile in this chapter. He tells me we cannot stress enough that he did not want to have sex with Violet when she was 13. He loved her and knew they were somehow bound together but he was not having lurid fantasies about a child. I told him he didn't need to worry. We're amongst friends who know he's a good upstanding guy but he's a little freaked. Show him some love, would you? **

**And as an aside...anyone wondering what's wrong with him? Anyone care to wager a guess?-J**


	4. Chapter 4

Jimmy could not bring himself to meet her withering glare. He felt so small before her right then and if he'd been well enough to, he would have grabbed Sundance and run but he lacked the physical strength to do so.

"I quit drinking," he said looking anywhere but at her, "My body's trying to tell me to start again."

"How long has it been?" she asked, "Have you been drinking while we've been traveling?"

"The first day," he said, "But then I got scared that if I was drinking I wouldn't be in control enough of myself and I didn't want to hurt you. And I don't want to smell like whiskey either. It scares you. I poured out all I had left."

She pushed him to sit on the edge of the wagon and looked at his face which was still running with sweat and ghostly pale. His eyes looked crazed too because the pupils were huge. There was only a tiny sliver of the warm golden brown she had come to love so.

"Lie down," she directed and then covered him with the blankets she had packed.

"I'm sure I'm dying, Violet," he said, "You don't deserve this. Go on now and get while you still can."

She heard him but was fairly certain he would not die but then she had heard of people who stopped drinking and saw things that weren't there and even killed themselves in fright.

"Hand over the guns."

He did and that surprised her even more than the fact he had stopped drinking. She had seen him hand one of his guns—only one—over to someone else just once and that was when he left one with her father the night the shadow broke into her home. She knew he had given one to Jesse on a couple of occasions or, at least, that's what Jesse had claimed. She'd never even thought to ask to hold one or touch one. But he had just handed them over without protest or thought. She couldn't shake the thought that he believed he would die. She turned back to him when she heard him groan.

"Vi, honey," he whispered, "Promise me one thing…when it gets so bad I can't bear it and I ask you to, shoot me."

"You're not dying, Jimmy," she said flatly and walked off to place the guns at the front of the wagon where he wouldn't be able to get them until he was feeling much better and could safely handle them. When she came back he was curled tight into a ball and shaking. She thought he even might be crying. So she climbed back into the wagon and sat next to his head lightly rubbing his face, pushing the hair away where it had stuck to his sweaty forehead and cheeks. His breath was uneven and he seemed panicked. So she sat closer and lifted his head to lie in her lap. She draped her arms around his neck just resting her hands on his chest where she could feel his heart trying to escape his ribcage. Softly she began to sing. She started with songs her mother had sung to her when she was a little girl and then moved on to newer songs. She sang every song she knew and it seemed to help. He calmed a little but once she was out of songs she didn't know what to do. Perhaps she should start over and sing them all again but she thought she would try talking to him first. She did gently as she lifted the canteen of water to his lips. It seemed there was little that could go wrong with the human body that water didn't at least help to make better.

"You have to drink now," she cooed at him, "Water will help, I know it will."

He drank and she began to talk.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked and then proceeded to speak without an answer from him. "Even when I was at school and the boys wanted to spend time with me and court me, the only one I could ever imagine greeting at the door after a long day at work was you. I'd try so hard to imagine Josiah or Matt or Brad coming home after a day at his office and me greeting him with his pipe or whatever and I just couldn't see it. But I could imagine bustling around to have supper on the table for you when you got home from whatever you were doing. It made sense to me. I guess I can do that now. You'll spend your days keeping Rock Creek lawful and I'll teach the children and then come home to prepare your evening meal. I suppose some days I'll be bringing your food to the office there. Maybe I could even stay to sit and eat it with you and we could talk about our days. I know it sounds boring but it's what I dreamed of most."

"It's why I did it," he whispered hoarsely, "Finally saw something else for me. Coming home to you. Having a home to come to. Maybe a child…sounds damned good. But not if I'm a drunk and not if I'm always trying to get myself killed. Love you too much. You deserve better."

She kissed him and watched his eyes close. It was the last moment of clarity he would have for quite a while. Violet felt strange leaving him for even a while but he seemed to be sleeping well for the time being and there were things that needed to be done. So she climbed down from the wagon and got to work. The first thing she did was walk the horses down to the stream she had heard nearby and let them have some water and get out of the direct sun for a little while. It was a much better place for them to rest than near the wagon and wasn't really that far off, just through a little bit of woods really. She then filled every canteen they had with them. She hoped when he woke that he would be feeling better but if he was not, she would not let him run out of water.

Once she had the water all back at their unintended campsite, she set to collecting wood. It was comfortable enough during the day but eventually the sun would go down and they would need the warmth of a fire. Maybe at night she should even bring Jimmy out of the wagon to sleep closer to the fire. She was worried about him shaking so and how clammy his skin was. She sat down to eat her lunch which had been interrupted by seeing his physical state. She knew she would need to keep her strength up. After so long of his being the only strength she knew, he needed her now and she would not fail him.

She heard him wake an hour or so later. In honesty if there had been another soul in the ten miles surrounding them, they would have heard him wake too. In fact, when Violet heard the sound, her first thought was that there was a wounded animal of some size near. It was a guttural, strangled cry full of pain and fear. It at once frightened her and broke her heart. Once she realized it was Jimmy crying out like this, she ran to the wagon and jumped into it and just held him tight.

He was incoherent but his eyes were wide. His lips formed no words, only sounds and syllables as if only fragments of speech had been left behind while his ability to string them together into words and ideas had been robbed of him entirely. He looked past her in terror and she looked behind her to reassure herself that there was nothing really there. He was seeing things, from the look of it, terrifying things. She held him tight to her and stroked his hair, his back. She kissed the side of his face and cooed loving and reassuring words in his ear before beginning to sing to him. That seemed to help before and she was willing to try anything. Suddenly he gripped her back so tight it almost scared her.

"Sure," she continued to coo at him, "Hold me as tight as you need to. I'm not leaving. It's all going to be alright. It will. You'll see. We'll get us a little place and then maybe after a while we'd have a child or two. You mentioned that earlier and I hadn't ever thought of having a baby. I can see it if I'm with you though. Maybe a strapping young son or two that look just like their father. I can see those warm golden eyes of yours peeking out from my son's face. You just need to get through this and you can because I will help you. I will be right here."

He pulled back from her suddenly and she could see his stomach convulsing and she deftly reached behind her for a bucket. She slid the bucket under his head just in time to catch what came spewing from his mouth. Violet held his hair back and stroked his face tenderly until the heaving stopped and he collapsed back to the floor of the wagon, shaking harder than ever. Violet wiped his brow with a cloth and placed a kiss there.

"I'm still here," she whispered, "I'll be here and I won't leave. You are not alone. When things were worst for me, you made sure I wasn't alone. You took care of me and I will take care of you."

Then he began to do something that surprised her more than anything else. He wept. That wasn't even the right word for it. He sobbed. She knew he was not aware of himself or he never would have done this in front of her. That was fine though because he needed her and she would take care of him. Violet nestled down next to him and wrapped him snuggly in her arms and held him tight. She cried too off and on. She had plenty through the years to cry about and seeing him break like this broke her down as well. It felt good to cry and be safe in doing so and it felt even better to be the one to take care of him at his most vulnerable.

Eventually it did get cooler and Jimmy grew calmer so she moved him out of the wagon and set to making a fire. Once he was warming next to the flames still wrapped in blankets, she took the chance to walk away a short while. She needed to relieve herself and quickly check the horses. They were fine and she felt better for the empty bladder. She got back to the fire and to Jimmy and was shocked when he screamed at the very sight of her.

"Violet?" he croaked.

"Yes, Jimmy, it's me," she said softly.

"Stay away!" he yelled, "You're dead. You can't be here. Stay away I said!"

"Jimmy I am not dead," she said putting her hands on her hips.

"I saw you die," he insisted, "I saw it. Bill Cody was there too. That giant man was on you and we couldn't get a shot through the rain. We could only just stand and watch while he…he hurt you and then strangled you and when we finally got to you, you was dead. I know it. You get back from me, you ghost."

"Jimmy," she said trying to hold in her tears. Remembering that night was always hard and she tried to focus on the fact that he saved her and what it felt like to know she was once again in his arms. She hated thinking of that hulking man atop her and what he was about to do and what would have happened if Cody hadn't been able to get the shot off on his rifle. Even then the man fell on her and she thought she might die anyway from the weight crushing her. They had said they thought the man to be at least three hundred pounds and it felt that way to her. "Jimmy, he didn't kill me. He didn't even hurt me again. You saved me. You found me and Cody shot him and then you came to me and you got him off of me and you killed him. He died that night, not me! I did not die because you saved my life! I am not a ghost. I am not dead."

"You're lying," he said, "I failed you. I always fail the ones I love most. I do."

Violet took a breath and looked at him. He was wallowing in the same self pity he had called her on the night before. She would love to point out the irony here but he was in no shape and she suspected it was more the alcohol leaving his system that was talking than him.

"If you always fail then who better to be with you than a ghost?" she asked completely changing her approach. "You can't fail me like that twice, can you? You can't really fail me at all. I'm perfect."

"You was perfect before too," he said and the tears began again, "You was perfect until I let you die."

"I wasn't," she argued, "I was far from perfect. But I am now—for you at least."

"You're wrong. You were perfect. You were so pretty and full of life and so strong too. I let that die. I let you die. I was too slow and I couldn't save you. I'm so sorry, Violet. I'm just so sorry!"

"I know," she said soothingly as she walked toward him. "I know you're sorry and I forgive you. I'm sorry you've carried your guilt this long but I forgive you."

She reached him and knelt beside where he was huddled under the blankets and kissed him tenderly on the cheek.

"Even as a ghost you're too good for me," he told her.

"I am not. I'm perfect for you, remember?"

For the next week, the unusual became Violet's routine. Jimmy slept rarely and when he did it was fitful and tormented. Her days filled with trying to comfort him while she knew he was seeing things that weren't there. Sometimes he still believed her dead and others he clung to her and thanked a God she wasn't sure he entirely believed in that she wasn't dead. He sometimes told her to leave him to die and more than once begged for her to kill him. She held him, rocked him, sang to him and made him drink as much water as she could get down him. All the while she was becoming discouraged by his pasty complexion and clammy skin and the way he shook, sometimes violently.

After the first four or five days she even wondered if he wasn't correct when he told her he was dying. Perhaps he was dying and everything she was doing was for naught. Even at those times she would not think to leave him. If he did actually pass away, he should not be alone in his pain while he did it. Most of the time, she didn't allow such thoughts. She had to be strong for him and she had to believe there was another side to what he was going through and that the other side would be them together. She could see he had done as much avoiding life as she had in the years that had separated them. If she could get him through and get him well again, then perhaps they could learn to truly live and do it together. They could help each other as they once did.

Of course to even think of such a future, she—and they—would have to make it through the present and at times she wondered how they would manage that, if she was even strong enough.

"Just drink a little more water," she had cajoled one night, "It'll help."

She was so surprised by his reaction that she nearly failed to duck his arm as it swung at her knocking the canteen from her grasp.

"Get the hell away from me, bitch!" he yelled, "I don't need any damned water. You know what I need."

Violet's eyes widened and she froze. He'd never been cross with her before and he'd never used a word like that in her memory. And he couldn't possibly be referring to what it sounded like he was.

"You going to sit there blubbering or are you going to get on into a town and get me some whiskey?"

"Y-you said no to town," she whispered fighting her tears, "You said no more whiskey."

"I changed my mind, you ugly cow," he nearly roared at her.

"I won't do it," she said jutting her chin at him. It took everything she had in her to stand before him as she did but this was not Jimmy talking. She doubted it was even Wild Bill. This was someone created by the whiskey and his body's craving for it. She stood nearly mesmerized as his whole demeanor changed.

"Please, Vi," he begged. He even shifted to his knees before her. "Please, just a little to take the edge off. I know you're too sweet to let me suffer."

"I can't, Jimmy," she insisted, "You told me not to."

"It's killing me, Vi," he kept pleading, "You don't want me to die, do you? I will, you know, I'll die from this if you don't get me something to help."

Violet knew if she stayed and listened to more that she would crack under the pressure and she would eventually go into a town and find him some drink and perhaps he never would be free of this. So she turned and walked from him.

"Yeah just run away from me, you cowardly little bitch!" he hollered after her as she ducked into the woods to see to the horses. "Maybe I find where you hid my guns. You'll do what I want then! You know who I am! You wouldn't dare go against me with the guns!"

Violet knew he lacked the physical strength to stand, much less search for the guns but the thought nagged at her some times. If he did get them then she wouldn't stand a chance. He was right about that.

One night and she wasn't sure what night it was. At least six she thought and maybe as many as eight or nine. But one night she sat next to him just exhausted. He was still thrashing and clammy and sweaty and shaking like leaves on the trees as a storm approaches. She gave him water and mopped his brow and spoke softly, gently to him.

"I know you remember the dance," she said, "When your head's clear you talk about it. You told me it's when you were sure that you loved me. It was the most magical night of my life. But it's not when I knew I loved you. I can tell you the exact moment when I knew that though. You were carrying me back to town after the bad thing happened in the woods. You were so strong but tender to me too. And then when we were almost to town, you put your hat over my face to protect my privacy from the people there. You didn't want them staring at me. Your hat smelled like you. It was full of gunpowder and sweat and horses and sunshine. I swear sunshine has a smell. It was clean and rugged and strong and it was there to keep me safe. I know that is the moment I fell in love with you."

He suddenly seemed a little calmer like he had found a deeper sleep at last. So Violet lay down next to him and held him to her. She continued to mop his brow and kissed his forehead. She didn't intend to sleep in case he needed her in the night but she was so exhausted that she didn't fall asleep so much as she passed out.

Jimmy woke the next morning and felt clear-headed for the first time in, well, he wasn't sure exactly how long it had been. He looked over at the sleeping form next to him to see Violet looking drained but thankfully sleeping. She held one of his hands in hers and in her other hand was a cloth she had been dabbing the sweat off of him with. He vaguely remembered telling her to move on and to leave him to die but she hadn't. He leaned over and kissed her gently on the lips. Her eyes flew open and it made him wonder if she had allowed herself any sleep at all.

"Good morning, pretty lady," he said with a smile.

Violet stared at him. His eyes were clear and his pupils weren't so huge and he wasn't sweating. There was color back in his face too. He moved one hand to stroke her cheek and it wasn't shaking.

"You're feeling better?" she asked almost fearing that this was a dream or something.

"Much better, Vi. I'm pretty sure I have you to thank," he replied, "I can't figure out why you're still here though. This must've gotten pretty bad."

"I love you," she said as if he should have figured that out on his own. "Where else could I have been?"

He looked to get up but she held him in place.

"I've kept water in you but you've eaten nothing all this time and you've been sick often. Sit here and I'll get you something to eat so you can get your strength back."

"I should be fixing you something," he said, "After all you did for me."

"There will be time for that," she told him, "But later. Right now I need to make sure you get your strength back."

Jimmy sat back and smiled. When he had realized why he was feeling bad, he wasn't sure he would make it. He knew he had no chance on his own and Violet was so fragile. But then, maybe there was something left of the strong little girl she had once been. She had searched for and found the younger man he still harbored pieces of within himself. He had seen that Violet still possessed her kind heart but he hadn't thought to look for the strength. It had been what first made him think there was more to her than a child barely out of braids. He saw the woman she was becoming and was even partway to being. There was something that connected him to her. He didn't lie; he knew he loved her when he took her to the dance. She had answered the door in a dress she would wear to school and had her hair pulled back simply in a single braid. She obviously had no plans to be seen but she hadn't acted the slightest bit strange about Jimmy seeing her. He had waited in the parlor of the Markham home for a while as she got ready. He had fiddled with the string on his hat as he wondered why he felt nervous. But then she walked out into the room and his mouth had fallen open. He told her she looked beautiful and she made some comment that he didn't need to compliment her. She had obviously thought he was just being nice. Truth was that he was sitting there reminding himself she was only thirteen and had just been through a terrible ordeal. When he had kissed her, he had surprised even himself. He wanted her to feel special, he told himself. He wanted her to feel pretty and have a real first kiss from someone who cared about her. Really it was none of those things. He wanted to kiss her because she was pretty and sweet and he loved her. He couldn't tell her that then and for a while thought he lost his chance. But now he found the feelings were still there. She was still pretty and sweet and had the biggest heart of nearly anyone he had ever met.

"What's got you smiling like that?" she asked bringing him out of his thoughts and handing him some biscuits and cheese. "Sorry it's not more but we've been out here for a while. We need to find a town and pick up some more food."

"Food's fine," he said taking a large bite of the biscuit, "I was smiling thinking at how somehow even back when we was dealing with the shadow I knew there was something special about you and that we were bound together in some way."

"I think you're right," she told him, "It does seem like maybe we were meant to find each other again. I mean, what are the odds that when you passed out in the street it would be in the town I lived in on a night I stayed late at the school?"

"Given how often I passed out in the street," he said with a smile, around a bite of cheese, "I think the odds might be better than if you were talking about a different man."

"Is now the time to bring up all those things you said about me pitying myself and being too scared to live? Or how you had no room to talk?"

Her eyebrow raised and while her voice sounded serious, her face told him that she wasn't angry at all.

"It's how I could point out what you were doing," he explained, "Saw it up close and personal for years now."

"Well somehow the two of us will have to find a way to stop avoiding life," she stated.

"You look like a woman with an idea or two of how to do that."

Violet merely smiled and then leaned to him and pressed her lips to his. When she pulled her head away he smiled wider at her.

"I like the way you think."

"I thought you might," she said coyly, "We should get going though. We've lost a lot of time. I'll have to find a telegraph office when-"

Her words were cut off by his mouth covering hers. He broke the kiss just long enough to speak.

"A few more minutes won't hurt a thing."

His mouth descended on hers again as his arms wound around her and hers looped around his neck. The kiss grew in intensity and passion as Jimmy's arms held her tight to him. A tiny part of her mind told her to be wary, that he could hurt her. He wasn't as big as the shadow but he wasn't a small man either. He was tall and strong and she would be no match for him. But that tiny voice was silenced by all inside of her that said she wanted him to hold her and she wanted him to kiss her and now that he was trailing kisses down her jaw and neck, she wanted that too. Her fingers wove into his long hair and when his lips returned to hers, her fingers dug into his head holding his mouth tight to hers.

He broke away from her and she was surprised and glad to see he was as breathless as she was. He looked at the ground and then dared to meet her eyes.

"I guess I'd better-"

"Stop while you still can?" she asked finishing the sentence for him.

"Well that too," he admitted with a slight blush, "But what I meant to say was I'd better see to getting the horses hitched so's we can get a move on. Otherwise I might just stay here and kiss you all day."

"There's a stream a few yards into the woods," she told him, "The horses are there. I'm sure we have time if you want to clean yourself up a little."

He looked at her a moment and then began to laugh.

"I don't suppose I smell too good right about now, do I?"

She blushed and looked at the ground.

"I'm sure I don't either."

Jimmy looked unsure for a moment and then he saw her walking toward him holding his gun belts to him. He only vaguely remembered her asking for them and how he had handed them over to her without a thought.

"What're those for, Violet?"

She handed off the guns and then fished around in the wagon for a clean change of clothes for herself and for Jimmy. Giving him a smile he couldn't read she walked past and into the woods. Jimmy shrugged and followed her.

"What's the plan?" he asked as the stream and their horses came into view.

"You'll stand watch while I get cleaned up and into some fresh clothes," she explained, "And once I am presentable and smell better then you can bathe. We can't go into a town looking like we do. You look like you're still sick."

Jimmy nodded his ascent and turned his face toward where their wagon sat. He talked softly to Sundance until he heard water splashing. He knew he shouldn't look but he couldn't help himself. One little peek wouldn't hurt a thing. However, when he tilted his head to take that little peek he almost could not pull his eyes away. She was completely nude and sitting in the stream. Her skin was so pale and creamy and he wanted to rush over and touch her. He knew already how soft that skin was. She had her hair pinned up but a few strands were falling down and sticking to her neck with the water she was pouring over herself. He watched transfixed as that water trickled down her breasts. He swallowed hard and forced his eyes away from her before he was caught.

Violet felt as though she was being watched. Jimmy was clear-headed and there was no way anyone could sneak up on her when he was keeping watch but she could not shake the feeling. A smile played at the corner of her mouth as she thought that maybe the eyes on her were a familiar pair of golden brown ones. When she looked up, however, he was talking to Sundance and looking into the woods. Still she thought perhaps he had snuck a little peek at her. At one time that thought might have horrified her but at that moment she sort of liked the idea. She stood and dried off before grabbing her clothes and making herself decent.

"Jimmy," she said softly, "If you want to clean up, I'm finished with the stream now."

He turned to her and she could see the color rise to his cheeks. He had been looking. She rose onto her toes and kissed his cheek and then whispered in his ear.

"If you like, I can keep watch for you too."

Jimmy looked at her and just somehow understood that she knew he had looked at her while she had bathed. But she was smiling and looked nearly like she might laugh. He merely nodded to her and handed one of the guns to her.

"You know how to use this?" he asked her.

She nodded at him and then gave him another smile. He was certain he hadn't seen her smile this much since that dance. She hadn't stopped smiling from the time he kissed her to when he took her back home. Since they had been reunited, there had been too much sorrow in her eyes. Now she smiled nearly all the time and he liked that a whole lot.

He undressed and stepped into the stream. The water was chilly but felt good as it carried away the layers of sweat that had built up on his skin through the however long he had been out of it. He felt self conscious. If she knew he had snuck a peek at her, then she might've offered to stand watch so she could steal a glance or two at him. That shouldn't bother him. He was not ashamed of his body and she had seen it before anyway when she had helped him bathe the first morning after she had found him. This seemed different. Before when she had seen him, she was just taking care of him. But even then there had been that spark of something more. Now he knew exactly what that something more was and he hadn't lied earlier that he could stay there and kiss her near to forever if allowed to do so.

Violet stood with her back to the stream but everything in her ached to turn around and watch him. She had actually bathed him but had taken great pains to not really look at him as she had. Since then she had mostly only seen him in his undergarments. She turned her head now to take a peek and nearly looked away again when she saw his eyes on her. But she didn't want to look away so she smiled at him. He was sitting in the stream as she had been and scrubbing away the grime of the week. Since he had seen her looking at him, she decided there was nothing wrong with walking over closer to the water.

"Did you see something you like?" he asked as Violet raked her eyes over his bare chest, appreciating the way the water sparkled on his tanned skin.

She blushed slightly but refused to look away.

"I'm almost ready to get out so we can get on the road again," he told her. She walked back to the horses and soon felt his hands on her shoulders. He twirled her to face him and she found he wasn't wearing a shirt. Her breath caught in her throat as he lifted her hands to the exposed skin. She looked up at him and for the first time he saw uncertainty on her face. Her hands ran lightly over his skin as she looked up at him in question.

He stroked his fingers over her cheek and then bent to kiss the side of her face before whispering softly.

"Don't look so unsure of yourself. It's not like you can do this wrong. But we'd better get a move on."

He took her hands from his chest and kissed the fingertips of each one before taking leading the horses toward the wagon. He had their leads in one hand and his shirt tossed over a shoulder with the other. Violet tried not to stare at the way his muscles rippled beneath his skin but she seemed to lack the power to shift her eyes from him. He was just as beautiful as she remembered him being when she was young.

"A man could get to feeling self-conscious with the way you're staring," he said, "Not that I want you to stop or anything."

She giggled softly and to hear that sound coming from someone who had known such sadness for so long, it was like music. In time they set out on their way to find a town. They hoped they were not too far from one as provisions were dwindling and Violet wanted to wire ahead and explain why they had not gotten there yet. Surely her parents must be worried sick.

They rode in near silence holding hands and with Violet's head resting lightly on Jimmy's shoulder. This was how it always needed to be. He could see a town coming into view. It wasn't very late in the day but then they had a great deal to do before turning in for the night. Still Jimmy had something he needed to do before they got into town and around too many other people. He brought the wagon to a halt and turned in the seat to face a confused looking Violet.

"I thought about this before I got sick," he began. "You took my hand and leaned against me and it was even better of a thought than when you was talking about someday being alright with really being with me. Just the thought of knowing I would have you to come home to every night for the rest of my life. I guess I was entertaining it before and that's why I stopped drinking. You deserve a man that ain't drunk all the time. And maybe I deserve a life better'n what I had. I guess what I'm saying is I don't ever want to let you go. I made that mistake once and I can find all sorts of reasons and explanations and excuses for why I did but you're here with me now. You stayed with me while I was sick and out of my head. I need you, Violet. I always did. You are all I could ever need. I'm trying to ask you to marry me. I'm doing a lousy job of it but I can't think of anything that would be better than if you'd say yes."

* * *

**I know this chapter is roughly twice the length of the previous ones but like I said, the whole story is written and just being divided. I suppose I could have ended it earlier but I didn't want to leave in the middle of the sickytimes. I thought I'd get a little time where the are on the other side of this storm. So how awesome was Violet in this chapter? Yeah, I knew this part would get ugly. I need to thank my sweet Marie for helping keep the matches in order and keeping it real. You are awesome, my love!-J**


	5. Chapter 5

Violet stared at him, not believing her ears. Her mouth was open in shock and Jimmy worried that he'd been wrong about the timing or even about the asking of the question.

"I'm sorry," he said turning back toward the horses. She hadn't seen him at his best over the last week or so. Sure she had been loving and nearly playful that morning but that didn't mean she was ready to talk marriage with a man like him.

"Wh-what did you just ask me?" she asked, "I don't think I heard it right."

"I asked you to marry me," he said mumbling so that she had to really concentrate to make out the words. "It's too soon maybe or…I don't know. I don't know what I was thinking."

"Are you sure you're feeling better?" she asked, "You're not still foggy in your head?"

"I'm feeling better than I have in years," he replied, "I ain't never been so clear-headed. I ain't never been so sure of wanting something either. It feels right like nothing else has for me. I don't know what all I said or did when I was sick and I hate what you must be thinking of me but I love you, Violet. I have for longer than it's been proper for me to admit. I probably shouldn't do this but I'm asking again if you'll marry me.

Violet smiled and placed a hand on the side of his face. She wanted to remember how he looked right then. He was uncertain and for the first time since she had found him passed out in the rain, there was not a trace of Wild Bill. There was only Jimmy, the sweet and sometimes shy young man she had fallen in love with all those years ago.

"Of course the answer is yes," Violet said simply, "I've loved you since I understood what love is. I'll never stop."

A wide smile spread across Jimmy's face.

"Shouldn't we seal this engagement with a kiss or something?"

Violet's smile widened as she tilted her head to allow him access to her lips. He covered her mouth with his and she willingly parted her lips allowing his tongue to roam where it pleased. When they broke the kiss they were both fighting to catch their breath and Violet smiled at him.

"Mother will be so pleased," she said straightening herself on the seat, "I think she was afraid I'd never get married."

"She probably had a reason. I doubt you would've before."

"I was holding out for the right guy."

He put his arm around her and squeezed her to him kissing her on the top of her head.

They rode into the small town and Jimmy set of to the general store in search of items they would need while Violet went to the telegraph office to send word to her parents. She stood for a while trying to figure what to say. She wanted to keep it brief but there was suddenly so much to tell. So often her letters home resembled telegraphed messages and now she was sending a wire and she wanted to write a three page letter. Sighing, she finally made up her mind.

"Have been delayed. Jimmy was ill. Happy news to tell."

She knew it was cryptic but it covered the bases. They would only be a few more days and then she could fill them in on everything. For the first time since she was just on the cusp of womanhood, they would have a normal child who did normal things and brought them normal joys. She nearly wept at the happiness of it.

Once her message was sent she sought out the man who had made her happiness possible. She found him carrying packages to the wagon. He didn't see her and she snuck up behind him. Once he had set the load in his arms down, she threw her arms around his waist squeezing him tightly.

"I should warn you ma'am," he said fighting a chuckle, "I'm engaged to be married. I guarantee you ain't as pretty as my intended."

He was rewarded with a hearty giggle.

"Were you always this funny?" she asked into his back since she hadn't released him yet. He squirmed in her arms until he faced her and lifted her chin so he could see her face.

"I might've been but we didn't meet when either of us was at our best."

"Did you get everything we needed?" she asked him avoiding what didn't really need to be talked about. He was right of course. When she had met him, he wasn't in a joking mood and she wouldn't have found him funny if he had been. Looking back, even Cody who was usually so jovial had gotten somber in that time.

"I did," he said, "Do you want me to take care of the wagon and horses so we can get a room? I'm sure you'd appreciate a good night's sleep in a real bed."

"I think I'd rather get a little farther down the road," she replied, "Unless you think the weather won't allow it."

Jimmy looked at the clear sky above them and shrugged his shoulders.

"Your wish is my command then," he said helping her up onto the wagon.

"Are you upset?" she asked him.

"No, I wouldn't say I'm upset really," he answered, "Confused maybe, but not upset."

"I like being in your arms and looking up at the stars."

"I would've thought it would make you more scared."

"Not with you beside me," she said snuggling her head into his arm.

They made their camp and it was a struggle for Violet to prepare a meal with Jimmy constantly grabbing her and kissing her. She didn't complain though. It might have taken twice as long to cook but cooking had never been so much fun.

Jimmy could not keep his hands off of Violet. He wasn't even trying for anything except her squeals and giggles when he would grab her and kiss her and hold her tight to him. He wasn't sure her laugh would ever fail to make him near giddy and he knew he never wanted it to.

They finally ate their meal and then cuddled up on the wagon. They gazed up at the stars and then they kissed. His lips left hers and traveled to her neck. She moaned and arched her back to press tighter against him. His fingers worked at the front of her dress but her hand stayed his.

"It's okay," he whispered moving his hand to her face, "When you're ready."

"I'm sorry," she said or tried to say but his lips stilled hers.

"Nothing to be sorry for, Violet," he assured her, "Nothing at all."

"You won't stop kissing me, will you?"

"I don't ever want to stop kissing you."

"Good," she said and then pulled his head back to hers so that she could kiss him again. "I spent way too many years with just that one kiss. We have some time to make up for."

"It's like that, is it?"

"It is exactly like that."

Her hands reached for his chest to touch him as she had earlier and his hand rubbed along her side, feeling every curve and knowing in time they would dispense with the cloth between them. The very thought brought an immediate response from his body. He fought the urge to take her hand and have her know what she was doing to him. She didn't need to feel pressured and frankly if he did move her hand he wouldn't want to stop at her hands on him. In fact, he understood that it was time to put a stop to things before he did something that could ruin things between them. He pulled away from her.

"We should sleep," he said breathlessly.

Violet understood how consumed he was with what he was feeling. She wanted to be ready for the things that came next but she just wasn't. It frightened her that she was marrying this man she so desperately wanted and yet she still wasn't able to give herself over to him. It wasn't natural. If not before then there would be the wedding night and there was no way she could put him off then. She knew he would never force her and if she said no then he would listen but that was just too horrible to think of doing to him.

"I love you," she whispered into his chest as she nuzzled into him and allowed his heartbeat to begin to lull her to sleep.

"I love you too, darlin'."

The next few of days were mostly uneventful and for that, Violet was happy. There was time spent kissing Jimmy and time spent timidly exploring touching him and having him touch her. They rolled into a town one day toward evening and found a hotel. Violet had wanted to be somewhere that she could indulge in a hot bath. They knew the next day would mark their return to Rock Creek and Violet declared she would not ride into town dirty and dusty.

They once again checked into the hotel as a married couple and used Violet's last name.

"I don't know when I have been so filthy," Violet said as they got into the room.

"I already told them to bring you a bath," he told her, "I think I'll wait with you until it's brought up and then I'll take a little bit of a walk and let you get yourself clean and sweet smelling for me. Then we can see about getting something to eat."

He did just that and Violet settled into her bath sighing contentedly. She thought about this journey which had grown longer than she had expected and she thought of the reasons it had taken so long. What he had done for her turned her mind all into knots. He had made such a sacrifice and had suffered terribly for it. Still he acted like she had done the great thing for taking care of him.

Once she was clean she stepped out of the tub and dried herself off. She had brought a case from the wagon that she knew contained one of her prettier dresses. It was one that looked similar to the one she had worn to the dance he had escorted her to. It was a tiny floral patterned calico in a deep plum color. She had often found it strange that with her name that she should have coloring that looked best in shades of violet. She tightened her corset and pulled on her petticoats and finally slipped into the frock. It was lower cut and had lovely ruffles around the sleeves. She pinned her wavy hair mostly up, leaving some of it trailing down and smiled at herself in the mirror. She hadn't ever really felt pretty in all her days. She'd had a few people who told her she was pretty; who told her she was, in fact, beautiful. But right then, as she looked into the glass, she felt it.

Jimmy had come in from his walk and sat down to wait in the hotel lobby as he said he would. A few looked at him strangely as if they recognized him. He smiled and tipped his hat. One man even approached nervously.

"Excuse me, Mr.…"

"Markham," Jimmy finished for him and watched as the man deflated.

"I'm sorry," the other man said, "I thought you were someone else."

"Yeah I guess I got one of them kind of faces," Jimmy replied dryly.

The man went on his way and Jimmy went back to his own thoughts. Those thoughts dissolved into thin air when he spotted her. She slowly descended the stairs scanning the room as if looking for someone. The smile spread across her face when she spotted him and her pace quickened down the stairs. He hurried to meet her at the bottom of the stairs.

"Violet, you are beautiful," he said with the wonder evident in his voice. He offered his arm to her and she readily took it and allowed him to lead her out of the hotel and down the street to a restaurant.

It was a lovely meal but neither of them noticed it. All Jimmy noticed were Violet's eyes twinkling in the candlelight from the table and all Violet could see was Jimmy's smile and the way his mustache showed off his dimples. She wasn't sure she had ever noticed them before.

They walked the length of the small town's boardwalk before returning to the hotel. They had merely needed some air and walking together was a good way to get it. And Jimmy loved the jealous looks he got from the men they passed at seeing the beautiful woman on his arm. Once in their room, Jimmy turned his back which was what he always did at night when they stayed at hotels to allow Violet to change into her nightshift. He would stay with his back to her until he either felt the bed shift or heard her tell him it was safe to turn around. Most nights, like this one, he would slip out of his own clothes while she was getting undressed.

Violet waited for Jimmy to turn around and then slipped out of her dress and underpinnings. She unpinned her hair and brushed it out and then she wasn't even sure what made her do what she did next but it suddenly felt like the only thing she could do, or the only thing she wanted to do.

"Okay," she said softly, almost timidly, "You can turn around now."

Jimmy did and wondered for half a second why her voice sounded different but then he had no thoughts whatsoever for there she stood before him completely naked. She had left her hair down and it fell to her waist. Some of it was draped over her shoulder and it concealed her breast on that side. Her eyes looked uncertain and she bit at her lower lip.

"Vi, are you trying to tell me what I think you are?"

She merely nodded. He stood and walked over to her and drew her close to him. Jimmy could feel her trembling slightly as he held her and then felt her hands shaking as they tried to unbutton the front of his union suit. He grazed his fingers over her cheek and kissed her forehead before speaking soft and low to her.

"Relax, we ain't running no race here."

His hands stroked gently up and down her arms and eventually she got enough of the buttons undone to allow her to push the upper part of the garment off of his shoulders. He shrugged out of it and felt her hands go to his chest. His fingers gently and reverently traced her body, memorizing her curves, every single one of them. She slid her hands around his shoulders and felt the muscles shifting under the skin there. His mouth found hers and as he laid full claim to that mouth, she seemed emboldened and shoved the scant amount of clothing he was still wearing down as she ran her hands over the contours of his backside. He stepped out of the legs of the garment and she felt how badly he wanted her pressing into her stomach. She let out a small whimper and took a step back. He let her back away a little.

They stood that way a moment, with a good foot or so between them. He just looked at her and willed his eyes to tell her what words would never convince her of. He wanted her to know that he would never hurt her and that a man's touch did not have to mean hurt. If he spoke those words, he knew how it would sound but if she could see it in him herself then perhaps she could find the trust. Her eyes spoke of hurt and fear that ran so deep he doubted that there even was a bottom to it.

When Violet felt him pressed against her, she could only think of one thing and that one thing was that awful feeling of terror and pain and helplessness. She backed away. She didn't really want to but she did and he let her. He didn't try to hold her against him. He didn't try to talk her into anything. He waited and looked at her with his caring eyes. She reached for him and he offered his hand which she placed on her breast and then stepped closer and resumed letting her hands explore him. She had seen him naked but really the only thing she knew about a man's body was how it could hurt a woman's. She now was learning how it could be pleasured and how it could bring her pleasure. She looked cautiously at the bed.

Jimmy was surprised but pleased that she trusted him like she did. Her hands were near to driving him crazy and being allowed to touch her wherever he wanted was doing the same thing. When her eyes darted to the bed, he took his cue and scooped her into his arms and walked across the room. Before he set her down he leaned his head close to the side of her head and very softly spoke.

"We'll take our time," he said, "All the time you need. And you can still say no. Don't listen to what I said before. I can always stop if you want. I love you and I will not hurt you."

Then he laid her on the bed and climbed onto the mattress next to her. He kissed her lightly and then set to kissing her everywhere he could find to kiss her on her body. By the time he returned his attention to her neck and jaw and beautiful lips, she had lost most of her shyness about touching him and he noticed her legs were parted. He took the invitation and settled between her legs catching her eyes as he did, reminding her without words that she was safe. Her arms tightened around him pulling him closer to her, urging this next step, confirming that she was ready.

When their bodies joined they both were overcome with the knowledge that they had finally found where they needed to be. Jimmy had been with other women and never felt like this before. He had never noticed anything lacking in the past but he could see now all they could never give him that Violet could. They had never loved him, these other women. He understood that clearly now. Violet loved him and the difference that made was nothing short of incredible.

Violet had been frightened even as his body merged with hers but somehow she knew this was right. There was no way she could ever have imagined how good this could feel. Soon her body moved with his in a dance that she had never been taught but somehow just knew.

Afterward, he held her in the darkness, held her tighter than he had ever before. He needed her to know how precious she was to him, how much she meant to him and that any and all hope in his life was wrapped up in her. He felt the tears hot on his chest and panicked for a moment.

"Did I hurt you? I thought you wanted…was I wrong?"

She lifted a hand to gently caress his face.

"I never knew," she whispered through her tears, "I never knew it could be like that. I never knew I could be this happy. Thank you."

"Believe me, Violet," he said earnestly, "The pleasure was mine."

"You're not just saying that, are you?" she asked and he chuckled.

"You ain't going to start getting insecure about that, are you? 'Cause you got no need to."

"It's just…you've been with…"

"Ain't a one of 'em hold a candle to you," he said kissing her head, "Now we probably ought to get some sleep if we're going to make it into Rock Creek tomorrow."

"I'm nervous," she confessed, "I haven't seen my parents in years. I know that's awful but I just couldn't face being where everything went bad and especially when you weren't there. And after a while it seemed I didn't even know them anymore and they don't know me either. It's terrible that I did that. How they must feel. Like I ran away from them. It wasn't that though…it wasn't them I ran from."

"I know," he told her, "I'm a little nervy myself. Ain't seen Teaspoon or Kid and Lou since I left with Rosemary. I was too ashamed to come back. I still kind of am."

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," she soothed, "You said yourself you were young, too young to know better."

"You are perfect for me, you know that?"

Violet started laughing and Jimmy pulled away a little wondering what had gotten into her.

"That's funny?"

"Sort of," she answered and then went on to explain about his delusion about her being a ghost and how she finally got him to stop pushing her away even when he was sure she was dead. He laughed along with her.

"I put you through hell those few days, didn't I?"

"You were going through it yourself," she replied matter-of-factly, "I chose to go along for the ride."

"You are some woman, Violet," he said and the awe in his voice was plain and nearly brought tears to her eyes.

"I'm not sure you know what a good man you are, either."

They let sleep come to them. It was deep and restful and uninterrupted.

* * *

**Paging Dr. Marvin Gaye for some sexual healing! I knew she'd be fine eventually. And who can resist that man anyway? Not me (as many who know me already know). Did any of you really doubt that she would say yes to his proposal? Or that eventually she'd be fine with the sexytimes? Anyway, next stop Rock Creek and sharing the good news with her parents. Mom, Dad...I'm marrying a notorious gunman and mankiller with a reputation for gambling almost obsessively and drinking like the proverbial fish...I'm sure they'll be overjoyed. What more could a parent ask for in a son-in-law?-J**


	6. Chapter 6

Jimmy woke when he felt someone kissing across his chest.

"Good morning," he said smiling at Violet and she just smiled back at him while allowing her hands to travel his body under the blankets.

"I'll let you get away with that for just so long before I'll have to do something about it."

Violet giggled. She had woken just a few minutes earlier feeling better and more relaxed that she had in years.

"And just what are you going to do to stop me?" she asked.

Jimmy rolled toward her and settled himself once again between her legs.

"What do you think?" he asked, arching his eyebrow at her.

It took them a while to finally drag themselves out of bed but eventually they managed it and collected the wagon and set out for the final leg of their journey.

"You tell your folks the news when you wired them?" he asked.

"I didn't know how to and keep it brief. I just said we had good news."

"Are they going to think it's such good news?"

She contemplated the question a while and it was the first time she considered that her parents might be like others who looked down on him and the way he had been living. They were fine years earlier when he had saved her life but they didn't even entertain the thought that Jimmy would court their daughter. She knew they hoped for her to marry a banker like her father or a lawyer or some educated man with a well-paying job. The thing was that she couldn't love any of them. She loved Jimmy and while being the marshal's wife might not be the life they wanted for her, it was respectable and since he no longer would drink, he had to be more palatable for them. Between what she could earn teaching and what he could marshalling, they would be just fine and be able to live well enough and take care of any others that might come along.

"I think it might need to grow on them," she admitted, "But I understand that everything they have ever wanted for me was so that I could be happy. They haven't seen me happy in so long. I think they'll be alright with it."

"I hope so," he said softly, "I don't want to be the reason you don't get back on good terms with your folks."

"Be prepared though," she warned, "My mother is likely to get weepy and insist on a big church wedding. It's not what I would choose but she will have her ideas about what is proper. Try not to laugh too hard when she puts me in a snow white dress."

"Why would I laugh at that?"

"White is for virgins," she reminded him, "I know what he did to me wasn't my choice but what we did last night and this morning was."

"None of that is anyone's business but ours," he assured her, "You wear white and you hold your head up in it."

"Have I mentioned that I love you?" she asked beaming a smile at him that reminded Jimmy that he was her hero.

"Not since sometime around mid-morning, I guess," he replied with a grin, "Which reminds me, I think it's been at least a couple hours since I told you how beautiful you are."

Violet blushed and looked away from him. He reached and turned her head toward him with a finger under her chin.

"Don't look away from me," he said solemnly, "You know it's so. I'm not the first person to tell you that."

"I'm not used to believing it."

"Then I'll just have to make it my mission to make you used to it."

There was no more talking until Rock Creek came into view.

"Last chance to turn back or get rid of me," Jimmy said.

"Nice try," she said with a smile, "You are completely stuck with me now."

"I could probably tell you some stories about me that'd have you running for the hills."

"You can try but I don't scare that easy anymore."

"I guess then it's maybe a good thing that I'm stuck with you. I sure don't want no one else."

"Are you going to drive this wagon and get us home or what?"

"Home?" he asked.

"Well, it used to be and I guess it will be again."

"I ain't had one of those in a real long time," he told her as if contemplating the thought. "I think having one with you sounds better than anything I can imagine."

He drove the wagon into the town and was struck by how little the place seemed to have changed.

"Not even sure where to head to first," he said, "I'll bet your father's at work."

"Maybe we should visit Teaspoon first," Violet suggested.

"If that's what you want then that's what we'll do."

They pulled up in front of the marshal's office and Jimmy helped Violet down. Neither took notice of the handful of people on the street reacting to seeing a man they were near to certain was Wild Bill Hickok. They went into the office to find Teaspoon leaned back in his chair at his desk with his feet propped up. His hat was over his eyes but Jimmy knew better than to think they were unobserved as they entered.

"Wasn't you in that same spot when I rode out eight years ago?" Jimmy asked.

"Didn't you have that same scowl on your face?" came the reply.

"I see one thing has changed," Jimmy countered, "You used to know how to greet a lady."

Teaspoon jumped up at that and removed his hat.

"Sorry Miss, I didn't see you standing there."

"It is time for you to retire," Jimmy noted, "The Teaspoon I left wouldn't've missed her."

Teaspoon took Violet's hand and kissed it before his eyes flew wide.

"Why this can't be little Violet Markham," he explained, "I heard tell you was finally coming home. Your mama ain't hardly been able to contain her excitement. It's good you saw her safe, Jimmy. I can't think of nobody better for the job and no one I'd rather hand this badge off to."

"I wasn't just escorting her, if the truth is told," Jimmy informed his old mentor.

"I had a feeling," Teaspoon said with a knowing smile. He was one of the very few people in the world who knew the entirety of what had happened when the shadow was still terrorizing the town.

"I suppose we best be heading to find Vi's folks," Jimmy said but before he could turn or even offer his arm to Violet the door opened and Mr. and Mrs. Markham walked in. They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw Violet and then Mrs. Markham began to weep.

"Violet!" the woman cried, "My baby! Is it really you?"

"Yes Mama," Violet choked out as she fought a losing battle with her tears. "I'm home Mama."

The women came together weeping and Jimmy looked over to Tom Markham to see the man's eyes shining at the sight of mother and daughter reunited. Jimmy was sure his looked the same. He extended a hand toward Violet's father who readily took it.

"I need to thank you for bringing her home," Mr. Markham said, "It's not the first time you've returned her to us."

"This was her choice," Jimmy said deferring the gratitude but the look he got from the other man told him that Violet's father knew he had more to do with it than he was letting on. Before Jimmy could say anything else he saw Violet's mother heading toward him.

"It will be so nice to have you back in town as well, Mr. Hickok," she said, "We haven't forgotten how hard you worked to keep everyone safe, especially our little Violet."

"It's good to be home, Ma'am," he replied feeling uncomfortable.

"We were concerned when Violet's wire said the two of you were delayed because you became ill," the woman went on, "I trust you are better now."

"Much better," he agreed, "Though without your daughter I wouldn't be."

"Violet," Mrs. Markham said turning to her daughter, "You said you had some happy news. I thought the news that you were returning to us was happy enough. What else can there be?"

Violet looked at her mother and then at Jimmy while Jimmy tried to figure if she was looking to him to give the news but then she smiled and spoke.

"Jimmy has asked me to marry him," she informed her parents and by extension, Teaspoon too. "And I have said yes."

Jimmy saddened at the way Violet's parents stiffened at hearing the news. It was not the happy news to them that Violet hoped it would be. He had feared this happening but he would talk about it later. Teaspoon saw the reaction too but blessedly, Violet did not.

"Isn't it wonderful, Mother?" she asked, "I'm to be married!"

Violet's parents said all the right things but Jimmy could tell their hearts were not in it. He forced a smile even though he thought his life was unraveling before his eyes.

"Where does the schoolteacher in Rock Creek live these days, Teaspoon?" Violet asked, "I'm quite tired and I would like to settle in."

"We thought you might stay with us," her father said, "At least for a while."

"I don't think that's best," Violet replied softly, "I am far too accustomed to living alone. I have developed certain quirks, you might call them. I'd feel better on my own."

"At least join us for supper tomorrow," her mother begged.

"I will," Violet said, "That sounds wonderful. So Teaspoon, where do I live?"

"Well, it's that little house just next to the school. Though I reckon you'll want something a little bigger once the two of you get yourselves hitched."

"I imagine we will," she smiled grateful to Teaspoon for being so supportive. Perhaps Jimmy thought she didn't see her parents' obvious reservations about her engagement but she saw. She would have liked to say that she didn't care but that would have been a lie. She wanted someone who shared her joy and had hoped her mother at least would have. "For now I think I would like to check out my new home. Jimmy, you'll come with me and help me unload the wagon, won't you?"

"Of course, Violet," he replied and offered his arm and led her outside. It wasn't far to the schoolhouse and the house she would live in was right at the edge of the schoolyard. It was tiny and before this teaching job it would have seemed the perfect little house for her but now Violet saw how insufficient it was. She now longed for a house with a big kitchen where she could prepare family meals. Sure most nights it would be just Jimmy and her but other nights they might invite Teaspoon or Kid and Lou and then the children would come in time. They would need space for children although they still needed to talk more about that.

"It's not much," he said looking at the tiny place.

"It will be just fine until we are married," she said and he heard the catch in her voice that she tried to hide.

"Honey," he began but she waved him off.

"You warned me," she said, "And I knew you might be right. It doesn't change anything. I love them and I always will but if they make me choose between you and them, I have already made my choice."

"Violet, think about what you're doing."

"I have thought about it. Are you going to try to tell me you're not worth it? You wouldn't let me get away with that. I'll not listen to such talk from you."

Jimmy felt fully put in his place. He wanted to argue but he was quickly learning that there was little arguing with Violet. It was good to see the strength that had built within her.

They got her settled into her new, albeit temporary, home and Violet cooked a simple supper for them before Jimmy left her.

"I'll just be at the jail if you need me," he reminded her, "And I'll probably go out and walk the town a couple times in the night. I got into that habit a while back. I'll make sure to check around here extra good."

"I'm sure I'll be fine."

"I'm sure you will be too," he grinned at her, "I ain't so sure about myself."

Violet giggled at him, "Do you need me to come and check on you in the night?"

"I might just."

Violet rose onto her toes and kissed him.

"I guess this is goodnight."

"I guess it is," Jimmy agreed and bent down to kiss her deeply. "Sleep well. I love you."

"I love you too."

* * *

Jimmy punched the pillow on the pathetic cot in the jail.

"How do you sleep here, Teaspoon?" he asked, "You could have a more comfortable bed nearly anywhere."

"That's why I'm retiring."

"You don't have to retire to sleep somewhere else."

"It's time, Jimmy," the old man sighed sounding older than Jimmy had ever heard. "My time's done and yours is just starting. I was serious about retiring anyway but I wouldn't've unless we found a good man to take my place. Ain't a better one than you."

"Any rest you get being retired, you ought to thank the lady for," Jimmy told him, "This was all her idea. A right good one but hers all the same."

"Whose idea was marrying her?"

"That was mine. I mean we talked about staying together for the long haul but proposing was my idea. I get a decent thought myself from time to time."

"You sure about this?" Teaspoon asked and Jimmy was taken aback.

"I thought you, of all people, would understand," Jimmy said sitting up on the cot, "I love her. What else am I supposed to do but marry her?"

"She ain't the same girl you knew before."

"I know that. She's a grown woman and a strong one at that," Jimmy countered, "I probably loved her before and I think you knew that but I love even more the woman she's become. I can't wait for you to really get to know her."

"I been keeping track of you as good as I could, you know," Teaspoon began, "Would've appreciated a letter home every now and then but I guess I shouldn't've expected it. Still, life you been leading don't seem to fit with what you say you want here."

"You know better than most that I always wanted this," Jimmy answered patiently, "Always did. I just didn't think I could have it. But then neither did she and it seems we was both wrong for a long time."

"I ain't surprised you gave up the saloon for her. She's prettier than most the girls there anyway. But I didn't see you go running down for a drink either. You got a little reputation for drinking and gambling. Ain't seen you do either one since you been here."

"You won't either," Jimmy told him, "That's what delayed us. I got sick on account of I quit drinking. Thought I was going to die, wished I would too. I think more'n once I begged her to shoot me and more'n once she was probably tempted to."

"You think quitting for someone else is going to stick?"

"I didn't quit for her," Jimmy said trying once again in vain to get comfortable on the cot. "I quit because of her—but for me. She's sitting there holding the life I always wanted but I didn't deserve it as long as I was drinking and gambling. I can deserve it though, Teaspoon."

"I always knowed you could. Even when you didn't know it, I did. I wanted to make sure you knew what you was getting into. I guess you do."

"Do you think her folks hate me completely or do I maybe have a chance to win them over?"

"I ain't never seen that girl so happy and I know how those people love their daughter. They'll come around."

Jimmy tried once more to get comfortable before he stood and headed for the door, buckling his gun belts as he went.

"Where you off to?" Teaspoon asked as if it was the most boring question in the world.

"I got in a habit of walking the town a few times a night," Jimmy explained, "Probably not as necessary here in Rock Creek as it has been in a few other places I worked. But it's habit all the same and I can't sleep on that sorry excuse for a bed anyways."

"Be sure you're out of there before morning or folks'll begin talking," Teaspoon cautioned, "They tolerate a lot around here but scandal like that could cost Violet her job."

Jimmy just shook his head at the old man as he walked out. He hadn't been lying about the habit he had gotten into. It helped keep control in a few places where control was hard enough to grasp let alone keep hold of. But the older man was right; he was headed for a softer bed with an even softer bedmate.

He stood at the door of the small house and knocked lightly. It was late but not horribly so. Still he worried for a moment that she was sleeping and he would disturb her. Soon, however, he heard the sound of someone coming to the door and when it opened there was his beautiful Violet.

"Are you patrolling the town, Marshal Hickok?" she asked batting her eyes at him.

"Something like that," he said.

"Well, I'm sure I don't have any hardened criminals hiding in my closets but you are welcome to look for yourself."

"Frankly, it ain't your closets I'm interested in."

Violet smiled up at him and opened the door the rest of the way letting him inside and he followed her to her room. She barely made it into the small room before Jimmy grabbed her and lifted her into his arms, crossing the room and depositing her on the bed. Then he climbed into bed with her.

* * *

**God are they too cute? But yeah Mom and Dad Markham are not feeling this marriage...not at all.-J**


	7. Chapter 7

"You're not coming with me?"

"Vi, I wasn't invited," Jimmy reminded her. They were leaning against Teaspoon's desk while the old man was off doing something else. "Besides, I have a feeling they want to discuss things that ain't meant for me to hear. I'm sure I've heard it before though."

"I could invite you."

"You go and have a nice dinner with your folks. I'm sure once they're done telling you what lousy taste you have in fiancés, you can catch up and it'll be nice."

"I can't believe they are acting like this," she fumed, "You saved my life."

"Saving it don't mean I get to keep it," he said simply, "You more than repaid the debt seeing me through, well, what I needed seeing through on our trip. I would've died out there without you."

"I'm not marrying you because I feel I owe you," she said sharply.

"I know that but your folks might not."

* * *

Violet looked at the table filled with all of her favorite foods and wanted to cry. She had been terrible to stay away so long.

"Mother," she said, "This all looks delicious. I think it's a good thing I'm not staying here or I would be huge."

"I missed cooking for you," her mother said.

"I know. I'm sorry I didn't come back, at least to visit sometimes. I am sorry. I didn't realize how awful that must have been for you until very recently."

"You're home now," her father said reaching across the table to pat her hand. "We're just glad of that."

Dinner was quiet and Violet knew her parents wanted to talk about her news but didn't know how. So Violet got the ball rolling.

"I get the feeling that my happy news was not as happy for the two of you."

"Mr. Hickok has always been good to you and to us," Mr. Markham began, "But to marry him? He does have a reputation, you know."

"Most of that reputation was fabricated by people trying to get rich off of his legend," she said tersely, "Of course it's a legend they created too. He's not perfect. I know that but neither is anyone. Jimmy has flaws and he's done things he would rather he hadn't. But he loves me."

"I'm sure you think you're in love, Violet," her mother chimed in, "He saved your life and that's powerful. You have probably harbored a crush for years."

"I did," Violet admitted, "But I am not a little girl anymore and he's not the same man either. This is not a crush, Mother. This is love. We have moved past whatever happened before. He reminded me that I am a strong person, that I am a survivor and not a victim. He made me believe in myself again and you should be thankful because I would have still been afraid of the ghosts here, too afraid to come back, if not for him."

"You spent time with such nice boys when you were at school," her mother said, "Why couldn't you have given one of them a better chance."

"Because all I could see was what happened to me reflected in their eyes. If one tried to kiss me or even hug me, I felt frightened like I did in the woods. A couple of those nice boys as you call them wouldn't even look at me or speak to me again after they found out what had happened to me. They said they knew it wasn't my fault but they couldn't marry someone so soiled. Jimmy treats me like I am just as good as everyone else. I am not some broken thing and I am not so fragile that he needs to fear me shattering. I feel like a whole person when I am with him and now that I am with him I feel it even when he's not right beside me."

"Violet," her father said, "We only bring up these concerns because we love you and we want you to be happy."

"I am happy," Violet nearly shouted, "I am happier than I have been since before…before…well, you know. After all of the things that ignorant people said about me after that vile man did what he did to me, you of all people should know to never judge someone by what others say about them."

"One hears so many things though and so much is the same," Mrs. Markham said, "It can't all be false. It's said he drinks too much. What kind of life is that? How can you be safe with a man who is always drunk?"

"He stopped drinking," she told them simply, "It's why he was so sick and why it took us so long. Getting the whiskey out of his body nearly killed him but it's gone now. I will marry him no matter what you say. I love him and he makes me happy. But I love you too and I would wish for nothing more than to have you there in the church supporting this and wishing us well." She turned to her father, "And for you to give me away."

"I can't promise you I will ever feel truly good about this union," her father stated, "But I will try"

"I know it was big news to spring on you at once but I was so happy and I thought you would share that joy." She paused to look between the two of them and wondered how much effort either would make in accepting this union. It made her angry and she couldn't get out of there fast enough. "I have to go home now."

Violet walked out of the house without a word of goodbye to her parents and willed the tears to stay away for a while. It wasn't far to get into town from her childhood home but it was dark by then and a certain amount of fear gripped her and that was all it took for her to not be able to hold off the tears anymore. There she was alone in the dark and scared and heartbroken as well. She honestly had thought that her parents would be swayed by how happy she was. It never occurred to her that they would act as they had. She stopped in the road and put her face in her hands and wept.

"I told Teaspoon that doing a walking patrol of the town was a good idea. You never know when you'll stumble on a lady in distress."

Violet jumped at the realization that she was not alone but her tears only increased when she recognized Jimmy's voice. She fell into his chest and just sobbed. He knew immediately why she was so upset but it didn't seem the time for 'told you sos'.

"It's alright," he whispered softly into her hair, "I got you. You're okay."

"You told me and I didn't listen."

"You shouldn't listen to me anyway," he said, "I don't know what I'm talking about half the time."

"But you were right," she sobbed harder, "They're not happy at all."

"They're scared, honey. They've seen you hurt like no parent ever should and they are scared they'll have to see you hurt all over again."

"You would never hurt me," she insisted.

"That's true but I can't blame them for thinking I would."

"How can you say that?"

"There's things I can change and things I can't," he said, "I can change who I want to be and even maybe change who I am and how I am but I can't change who I was or things I did. I hope in time folks learn to look past those things. If they don't…"

He didn't want to finish the thought. If the legend couldn't fade or the right people couldn't learn to look past what he'd done in the past, he might not have a very long future. He had done what he could to change the way his life might play out but he wouldn't know for some time, if ever, if he'd done enough or done it soon enough to allow him to give Violet the life he wanted to promise her.

"I was just about to have a cup of coffee with the old man," Jimmy said knowing that changing the subject was the only course of action right then, "How about you come along? It'll give you a chance to talk to someone who's happy about us getting hitched."

Violet was disturbed by his earlier words. She knew of course that the legend still lived. It bothered her when she allowed herself to think on how someone could still come for him. Someone could blame him for the death of a loved one or maybe just want to make a name for themselves. She hoped he was still as fast as he'd been but, even if he was, there could be another who is faster. She tried to tell herself that fate would never be so cruel as to let her start living again only to take the one who made it possible, the one she lived for. Of course that was a lousy argument. Fate was cruel. If not then she never would have been grabbed in the woods and left for dead all those years ago. She had told herself over and over again that there was a reason for everything that happened and that the reason the shadow got her was so that she could meet Jimmy and know the man he really was. If anything happened to him it would mean there was no reason, no meaning for anything that she had been through. Violet could not accept such a thought. She just could not. Of course, thinking about it only gave reason for her tears to renew.

"I know he ain't your folks but he's kind of like mine," Jimmy said not understanding her tears at all.

"It's not that," she said through her weeping, "It's…I…I need you to promise that you'll never leave me. That you won't let anyone take you from me. I need to know you'll always be there. I couldn't…couldn't ever lose you. Promise me. Please, Jimmy, promise me."

Jimmy had no idea how to reply to this. He wanted to promise but wasn't sure it was one he could keep. In reality she asked little of him. All the things she thought she asked were things he wanted to do for her. She asked him to hold her when she was scared and she asked him to love her. He wanted to love her and he did love her and he wanted her in his arms every moment he could manage it. In fact this was near to the only thing she ever truly asked and he wasn't sure he could do it. He had been guiding her toward town but instead of heading to visit with Teaspoon as he said he would, he took her home.

"Why are we here?" she asked, "Why haven't you said anything to me? You never answered me. Why won't you answer me?"

"I have to work some things out, Vi," he told her gently, "I'm thinking your folks might be right."

He moved a strand of hair off of her face and then kissed her forehead before walking off the porch and leaving her standing alone.

* * *

"How was your walk?" Teaspoon asked when Jimmy walked in, "Stop any major crimes?"

"Don't," was all Jimmy said.

"What's got into you?"

"I don't need this now, Teaspoon," Jimmy growled.

"How about a cup of coffee then?"

Jimmy grunted and Teaspoon poured him a cup. Coffee wasn't what he wanted. He wanted to wander down to the saloon and throw back a few glasses of whiskey. And really what was stopping him? He couldn't really have Violet. It had been foolish to think he could have her or anyone else really. But for the time being, he would sit and sip coffee with the old man.

"You might not think you need to talk," Teaspoon began, "But you'd be wrong."

"I can't do this," Jimmy said getting up and stalking out pulling the door shut hard behind him. He thought momentarily about just taking a walk, getting some fresh air to clear his head. He didn't do that though. Instead he headed toward the boisterous noise that was spilling out onto the otherwise quiet street from the saloon.

He leaned heavily on the bar and barely made eye contact when the bartender asked what he wanted.

"Whiskey."

He stared into the amber liquid. That glass held so much power right then. If he tilted it up, he'd be proving right Violet's parents and everyone else who ever said he was no good. But then he didn't figure it would really even take him drinking the booze to prove that. The burden to prove anything had always been on him. It was an insurmountable burden because he would never be able to prove something that was false. He was everything anyone had ever thought him to be and more. The legends never told of him breaking the hearts of vulnerable young women. The legends told of him spending his time with women of experience who had long since given up thoughts of marriage and family. Those were the woman he should have stuck with. He couldn't hurt them. He wouldn't be tempted to hope. He was something akin to a monster to have done what he had just done to poor Violet. He was as bad as the shadow, if not even worse. The shadow was never anything but pure evil. Jimmy had disguised himself as a safe and loving man who could heal her from her years of hurt.

Sighing, he threw the whiskey back and closed his eyes against the burn as it flowed down his throat. Then he tapped the bar to signal for another and then another. He was just about to throw back the fourth when a hand clamped over his.

* * *

**I know this chapter is shorter but I thought this was an important place to pause and shake our collective heads as we say " Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy" I love him, I do...but he's real good at screwing up sometimes. And his go to move is to get drunk when stuff doesn't go right. I feel bad for him, I do. Not only were his dreams just shattered but he's back to being convinced that his past will forever dictate his future...oh how will they get past this? And who just grabbed his hand? Well, I know and I won't leave you in the dark too long.-J**


	8. Chapter 8

Jimmy looked at the weathered hand covering his own and preventing him from lifting the glass of whiskey to his lips. He didn't even need to look at the face to know who it was.

"Thought I made it clear I don't want to talk," Jimmy growled at Teaspoon.

"What you want and what you need ain't the same thing," Teaspoon said, "I'm still the marshal here for a little while yet and Dave here won't serve you no more if'n I say not to. You might's well come on with me. You like walking so much; I think taking a walk right now'd be a real good idea. I'd rather take a little walk than have to lock up my deputy and replacement."

"I can't replace you."

"I realize I'm one of a kind but you need to take over the job at any rate."

"I can't do that, Teaspoon," Jimmy said, "I can't stay here. You got to see that."

"The only thing I got to see right now is that you need to get out of here and get your head clear."

It wasn't a request and Jimmy wasn't so far removed from the young man he had been that he would refuse his old mentor all that much. He would argue and he would balk but he would not blatantly defy the man. Jimmy stood stiffly and stalked out ahead of Teaspoon. Before leaving the bar himself, Teaspoon turned to the man behind the bar.

"I don't care what folks say about who he is or was, he don't get served nothing harder than a sarsaparilla. You hear me?"

"Sure Marshal Hunter."

Teaspoon emerged from the saloon to find Jimmy standing on the boardwalk clenching his fists and looking ready to take on all comers. The older man shook his head.

"This right here is why you shouldn't drink," he told his protégé, "You get yourself too wound up. Now come on and let's walk."

"Don't need a lecture, Teaspoon," Jimmy growled through gritted teeth.

"Ain't planning on giving you one," Teaspoon replied, "Just thought maybe I'd remind you of a couple things."

"Like what?"

"Like what kind of life that girl was living before you two met back up. You said yourself she wasn't even living half a life. Hell you wasn't either."

"I don't even deserve that."

"What does she deserve?" Teaspoon asked.

"She deserves a man who ain't walking around with a target on him," Jimmy answered, "She deserves a hell of a lot more than I got any chance of giving her. I thought maybe I could give her…but…I can't. She asked me to promise I wouldn't let nobody take me away from her. I want to. I want everything she wants. I just don't think I can promise that. I ain't ever going to be the man she needs. I ain't ever going to be the man I want to be. It's just no use."

"Violet's a smart girl," Teaspoon told him, "She knows you can't make promises like that. She's scared and unless I'm reading things wrong, she ain't getting the support she thought she would from her folks. I'm sure she wasn't really asking that. What did you tell her?"

"I told her that her parents were right about me and I walked away."

Teaspoon winced at that.

"What is wrong with your head?"

"I think it's working right for the first time in a while."

Teaspoon just shook his head and led Jimmy back to the jail so they could get some sleep. He'd work on the lad again in the morning and maybe pay young Miss Markham a visit as well.

* * *

Violet stood stunned on her porch for a while before she finally was able to make herself move and go inside. Within her own self, she felt a deep ache and barely made it in the door before she wilted and began to cry. Why had she asked him that? Why hadn't she asked it sooner? Why couldn't everyone just let him start over and see what she always saw? Why couldn't things finally go right for once?

She sat on the floor just in front of her door and sobbed and sobbed. She knew she was feeling sorry for herself and Jimmy would call her on it if he still cared. If he was there or if he came, then he would and maybe she would even appreciate it but he wasn't going to come and she knew he wasn't planning on coming ever again. He didn't say these words exactly but when he left, she knew he was walking away from her forever.

"If you're so keen on asking questions, Vi," she said bitterly in the empty room, "You might as well ask how you still don't have a single friend to turn to at times like this. Did you really think a drunken gunman you found bleeding in the street was going to make everything alright in your mess of a life?"

For a while she sat in the rocking chair in her front room pretending to work at her embroidery but really listening for those familiar boots on her porch.

"It's for the best, Vi," she said sighing as she stood to head to her room and ready for bed. "You were just asking for more heartache to be with him."

She undressed and slipped on her nightgown before sitting down at her dressing table and brushing through her long brown hair. Jimmy loved her hair. He would run his fingers through it and tell her how it shone like moonbeams. He always surprised her with how poetic he could be at times. She brought the hair over her shoulder and twisted it into a braid which she secured with a deep purple ribbon. It was Jimmy's favorite and she fancied sometimes that was because he remembered it. She had worn it in her hair when he came to her house to bring her to the dance all those years ago. Maybe he did remember but more likely it was something else.

Violet reached into her night stand and grabbed out her old doll, Lottie. Lottie had been repaired after the shadow had torn her head off and Violet often wished that peopled were as easily put to rights as rag dolls. She hadn't slept with Lottie in many years but tonight she needed her. Gripping the doll tightly she finally fell into a fitful sleep.

* * *

"Why that's lovely, Violet," a voice behind her declared as Violet fingered a white eyelet lace. "I had thought of something a bit more ornate for a wedding gown though."

Violet turned to see her mother standing there. Anne Markham had been observing her daughter for a few days—since the disastrous dinner. The girl looked sad. If it was even possible, she looked sadder than before when that horrible man had terrorized the town from the shadows in the woods. Anne had often felt as though she had lost her daughter that night. The boys from the Pony Express station had brought her back but part of her had been left on the forest floor and Anne often feared that part would never be recovered.

When Violet had returned, there was a light in her that there hadn't been since before the dark days. She and Tom had their reservations about the young gunman and had voiced them. Since that evening they had talked and come to the conclusion that seeing their daughter happy again—even if they feared heartache or worse to come—was more important than anything else. Seeing her moping around town was more than Anne could bear but she found some encouragement in the lace between Violet's fingers right then.

"Hello Mother," Violet replied, "This isn't for a wedding dress. I have no need of one. I do, however, need curtains in my kitchen. I thought this would make a nice ruffle around them."

Anne cringed at how lifeless her daughter's voice was. It was a tone she hadn't heard since the Hickok boy had run off with that Burke woman.

"That _is_ what you wanted," Violet went on, "You and Daddy. You wanted us apart and we are. You should be happy. Perhaps I should be too."

"But you're not," her mother observed, "Oh my dear! Let me get you home and I'll make you some tea and we can talk."

"I don't want to talk, Mother."

"Yes you do, you just don't know it yet."

Violet allowed her mother to take her home—to her own home—and make her some tea.

"What did he do that upset you?" Anne asked, "Men are really good at upsetting us sometimes."

"He didn't do anything," Violet said as she broke down, "He just left. He kissed my forehead and left me standing on the porch. He walked away and he's not coming back."

"Oh sweet baby girl," Anne cried pulling Violet to her and rubbing circles around her back. "He hasn't left town. I'll bet once he really thinks about it, he'll be back."

"I don't want him back," Violet choked out, "It was the silly dream of a schoolgirl. I can't have a man like that. No one can ever have a man like he is. He's not meant for a settled life. It's like caging a wild bird."

* * *

Teaspoon'd had just about enough of Jimmy's sour mood. Every day he dodged verbal attacks at best and once Jimmy had taken a swing at him. The old marshal had tried everything he knew to convince Jimmy to at least talk to Violet and nothing worked. What was worse, Jimmy was still insisting that he should leave town. Every night Teaspoon followed Jimmy as he went to the saloon and then dealt with Jimmy's wrath when Dave would only offer sarsaparilla. Once he feared that Jimmy might draw down on him. It was time to take matters into his own hands. He made sure that Jimmy was busy with some only half necessary work and then he ducked out and headed down the boardwalk.

* * *

Violet stood in front of her class. The kids were beginning to get unruly. They knew the day was nearly done. She thought for a moment about dismissing early and releasing them into the bright, sunny day outside but she knew better. That was something she might be able to get away with once she had been teaching here a while longer but not something a new teacher could ever think of doing. She sighed and moved on with her lessons.

"As you all know," she began trying not to let her weariness come through her voice, "The annual Founder's Day festivities are coming up. Rock Creek has a wonderful history so we are going to spend at least part of everyday discussing the wonderful things that have happened in our little town and the interesting people who have, at one time or another, called this place home."

A hand shot quickly into the air.

"Tobias," she said acknowledging the boy and wishing she didn't have to. He was one of her frequent troublemakers. There might be others that she would discover in time but she'd already had to break up two fights that he started and had found a garter snake in her desk drawer. Thankfully she was not afraid of snakes and the disappointed look on Tobias' face told her who had put the poor creature there. "Did you have something to say about our town's history?"

"I heard Jesse James used to live here," the boy beamed at her. Violet almost laughed when she realized the young man perhaps had a little crush on her. Maybe that was why he had been such a pain to her.

"Yes, that is true, Tobias," she said collecting herself, "In fact, Jesse is only a year older than I am. We were friends at one time."

Violet allowed a smile at the awed whispers that circulated at that.

"Really, Miss Markham?" Tobias asked, "What was he like?"

"Well, he was only fourteen when I knew him," she said, "I remember him as a sweet boy. Once another young man was cruel to me and Jesse stuck up for me. He always defended his friends."

Another hand shot into the air.

"Yes, Millie," she said nodding to the girl with the long blonde braids, "What do you have to add?"

"I heard that the woods are haunted by a mad killer," the girl began in that tone that girls of a certain age have when sharing juicy gossip or scary stories at sleepovers.

"I don't think we need to go into tall tales, Millicent Dawes," Violet said sternly.

"It's not a tall tale though, Miss Markham!" Millie insisted, "My mama said there was really a killer right here in Rock Creek and he would grab girls that walked through the woods or even by them and he would strangle them. She said the whole town was panicked and this was when the Pony Express was going on. The men who rode were deputies and they escorted women everywhere to keep them safe. She said one girl lived though."

Violet was growing increasingly flustered and had no idea what she should say. Luckily a voice from the doorway broke into the commotion brought by Millie's tale and took the pressure off of her.

"It sure was a scary time, Millie," the voice of Teaspoon Hunter said cutting through the children's fascination with the stories. "Before you go getting all excited about the tales you heard, remember those was real girls that lost their lives. They had mamas and daddies and even sisters and brothers. Ain't nothing exciting about looking at someone you care for—whether it's a friend or family member—and knowing she ain't safe and you ,might not be able to do anything about it. Now if I'm not mistaken, isn't it about dismissal time, Miss Markham? I don't want to interrupt if you needed to keep the children a while longer."

"You're quite right, Marshal Hunter," she said glancing at the clock on the wall, "I'll see all of you tomorrow. For tonight, remember there will be a test in arithmetic tomorrow and ask your parents what they know about the history of our fine town. Surely there's more you could find than sordid tales of young girls being killed."

The children cleared out as if escaping from prison. Teaspoon watched them with bemusement.

"Did you need something, Marshal Hunter?" Violet asked once they were alone.

"I think you know why I'm here."

"I don't want to talk about that," she said stiffly.

"Yeah, that don't surprise me," Teaspoon replied gruffly, "Ain't asking you to say a thing. Just listen. I been around a good number of years and been married a good number of times. I been in love more times than that even. I think I have a few things to say and maybe you ain't too thick skulled to listen."

"He made his choice."

"You could change his mind," Teaspoon ventured, "If you wanted to. I think you do want to, too."

"You're wrong," she insisted, "It's better this way. I can't be with him knowing he could be gone from me so quickly. I can't watch him die. I can't have him taken from me. It's easier knowing that he is alive than…"

"Whether you're with him or not, don't change a thing," Teaspoon reminded her, "You don't get no guarantees no matter who you marry. Couple of my wives died. Hurt like hell to lose them, still does. But even if I knew they would die before I hardly got any time with them, I still would've married 'em. Anyone of us can lose someone to disease or an accident or anything else. You know better than most how suddenly life can change. Ain't it better to spend the time we do get with someone we love?"

"It's too late," she whispered and cursed the tear that meandered down her cheek.

"I doubt that," he said, "I can't get him to come talk to you but I know where he is. If you go talk to him, he'd probably listen more than he does to me."

"He doesn't want me anymore."

Teaspoon couldn't help it as he laughed out loud.

"If he don't want you then why is he in such a sour mood?" Teaspoon asked, "He don't just want you, he needs you. He's miserable."

"He'll get over it," she said as if trying to convince herself, "We both will."

"You might and you might not," Teaspoon told her, "I'm leaning toward thinking you won't. Neither one of you has been living any kind of life without the other one. I know you don't like to think on it. I can see that by how you reacted when young Millie there brought up all that ugliness. But all that bound the two of you together. I know you're a smart enough girl to see that."

She looked up at him with her eyes as big as saucers.

"Yeah," he said agreeing with her expression, "Fate's a scary thing. All I can tell you is what I saw. I regret that I sent the boys I did to come find you. Not that any of my boys was without their hurts. I never thought they'd find what they did. I probably sent the two who'd react the worst to seeing a lady hurt like you was. I thought I'd lose Buck for a while but between me and Ike we got him to somewheres close to alright. Nearly crumbled once Ike was killed but that boy was strong. Jimmy though…if he hadn't been able to see you recovering, trying to smile, trying to act like you was doing better than you was, I know we would have lost him. He'd have lit out of here on his own and probably deserved every coarse word ever wrote about him. That boy had so much anger in him but he never wanted to give in to it. He wanted to be someone who rose above. I know he never could've put thoughts like that into words, but I could see it. He's a tenderhearted soul but there's only so much hurt one heart can take before it wants to do the hurting and seeing you like you was when they found you and then seeing the others, I think that would have pushed him right past that point. I know it killed him a little bit every time he went to see you and couldn't tell you the monster was caught."

"He's at the jail, you said?"

Teaspoon nodded and watched her leave with a determined look. She would be good for Jimmy if the two of them could ever get together right.

* * *

Jimmy sat hunched over papers on Teaspoon's desk—he would eventually have to start thinking of it as his desk, but not yet—and re-read the same thing for probably the twelfth time. It was good no one had come to challenge him and that Rock Creek was much calmer than any town he'd ever served in. He was in no shape to handle much more than the occasional drunk who decided to throw a punch over a perceived slight. He heard the door open but paid little mind. It was probably Teaspoon coming in and if he looked busy then maybe he'd be spared a lecture on how stupid he was being. It wasn't stupidity. He was saving her. He was doing what he hadn't been able to before; he was keeping her safe from hurt.

"Is it Deputy Hickok or Marshal?" a soft but stern female voice asked. He'd know that voice no matter what emotions it contained. Still his head shot up and he found himself staring into her brown eyes.

"Neither one," he answered sadly, "I ain't taking the job."

He realized it wasn't only the loss of Violet that made him sad. It was all she stood for. It was going home and having one. He hadn't made it out to Kid and Lou's place yet but he would. The thought that he was still a brother and son to someone had been almost as healing as finding out he was still something to Violet.

"It would seem that if you meant that then you would have gone already," she said challenging him as much with her tone as with her facial expression, "Something is keeping you here."

Jimmy just grunted. She was right and he didn't even know what it was except maybe the desire to torture himself with reminders of things he could not have.

"I'll expect you for supper at seven o'clock tonight, Marshal Hickok," she said simply, "I'll not make guarantees of the food's quality if you keep me waiting. There will be custard pie for dessert."

Then she spun on her heel and walked out of the office leaving Jimmy sitting there with his jaw hanging and trying to think of how he would get out of this. It was obviously such a bad idea.

"Oh hell," he said and set aside the pile of papers. He might as well take a look at the town before trying to get spiffed up. If she was going to all the trouble to make a nice supper and bake his favorite pie then he might as well show up looking and smelling deserving.

* * *

**Well good job Teaspoon for getting the booze away from him. And for talking to Violet. Oh but my heart broke a little for her when Millie was running her mouth...not that Millie could know of course but still...and I think Jimmy is beginning to learn the two most important words in the English language: Yes Dear. heeheehee...she says be there at 7, sweetie...you'd better show up at quarter to. These two are exhausting and right about now I want to knock their heads together. To quote The Man in Black: This is true love. You think this happens everyday?-J**


	9. Chapter 9

Violet was over halfway home before her hands stopped shaking. Her breath was still coming rapidly but then she was walking twice as fast as usual. She forced herself to slow down.

"You're being silly, Violet," she chastised herself in a whisper, "This is not just some boy you've invited. Technically he's your fiancé…unless he doesn't want to be anymore."

That thought did nothing to calm her heart that was trying to escape her ribcage. She'd just have to make him want to be. Setting her mind to what she had to do and in what order helped take her mind off of her nerves. She should make the pie first and then she could do something with her hair and lay out a pretty outfit and then set supper to cooking. She would dress right before he came. Having a plan made her feel a little better. Of course trying to figure out what to wear was something else entirely. And what to do with her hair. A smile turned the corners of her mouth just as she was climbing the steps to her porch. She had an idea and thought it might just work.

* * *

Jimmy left the jail to the raised eyebrow of Teaspoon.

"I ain't going to bother Dave tonight," he assured the man, "I got a better invite today."

As he headed down the boardwalk he looked over at Tompkins' store and decided to stop in quickly. Perhaps it would be good to not show up empty handed.

"Hey there Jimmy," William Tompkins said jovially, "You need something particular?"

"I'm not sure," Jimmy replied and then he spied something, "Actually, can I get a look at that hair clip there?"

"Are you looking for a gift for Miss Markham?"

Jimmy nodded, "She's got such pretty hair and I think that would look right nice in it, don't you?"

"I'm sure it would," the storekeeper agreed, "Those purple stones seem fitting for her as well, don't they?"

Jimmy nodded and paid for the item and watched as the older gentleman, who had often been such a thorn in not only his side his friends' as well, placed the clip in a small cloth bag and tightened the drawstrings before handing it over.

Jimmy felt butterflies in his stomach as he neared Violet's house. He half expected to see her sitting on the porch as she used to do at her parents' house all those years ago. Of course she was probably busy cooking and that's why she wasn't out there.

He knocked lightly on the front door. The butterflies in his belly weren't settling down at all. She had sounded angry with him when she had spoken earlier but then if she was so mad, why would she want him at her house for supper? Whatever he thought he might face, he was unprepared for what did present itself when the door opened. Violet was wearing a skirt in a dark plum and in a tighter style. He had seen ladies in bigger cities wearing such skirts but doubted the fine ladies of Rock Creek had adopted such a style yet although they had probably seen such things in magazines. Her blouse was a lighter purple and the neckline was something that reminded him of Rachel. He thought maybe she had tightened her corset a little more than usual because he had never seen that much cleavage presented by her. He knew of course the makings of it were there, but she typically did not put it out for all to see. Of course, this wasn't for all to see, this was for him alone to see. He tore his eyes from her cleavage to her bright and smiling face and sparkling brown eyes. Her hair was down and a simple dark purple ribbon wound around her head. He was instantly transported to her childhood home and a night when he had come to take a frightened girl to a dance. The girl he escorted that night had been pushed too quickly into womanhood and the evils that adults sometimes had to face. His intent that night had been to restore her girlhood or at least some semblance of the joy she should know. Instead he had fallen in love. He knew acting on it was very wrong indeed and he didn't. He still talked to her and sometimes even escorted her places when she was too scared to go on her own. He told her he would always be there and he was…until he wasn't. It was sometimes so hard to be so close to her and know the time just wasn't right. He didn't want to rush into making love to her—didn't want to make love to her at all, but to the woman she would someday become—but he didn't want to just sit and talk about town events either. Sometimes it was just too hard knowing that the day when they could follow what seemed their destiny was just too far off.

Now the girl stood before him and she was a girl no longer. She was a woman and he had known her in the deepest of senses. He looked upon the true evolution of all she had become, all she had fought to become and maybe even some of what he had helped her become. He looked now at the Violet who was meant to be.

"Good evening, Marshal Hickok," she said and stood back, opening the door wider as she did.

He finally caught on, or thought maybe he did.

"Are you trying to tell me we ain't friends no more, Violet?"

"I'm trying to figure that out," she replied, "I thought I knew but perhaps we no longer know each other well enough to call each other friend. Perhaps we shouldn't try for anything other than acquaintances for a while."

It hurt to say those words but she knew them to be true. They didn't change her feelings for him but the truth was that she didn't know him and perhaps had never truly known him. There were things about her that he'd never known either.

"I thought over supper tonight we could get to know each other better, if you're willing that is."

Jimmy's heart broke at the very thought that he might have lost her as a friend. He didn't have many of those anymore and she was extra special to him.

"I'm willing to do anything," he said and cringed at how desperate he sounded. All of a sudden he didn't want to leave and he didn't care if it was selfish to be with her. He didn't care that he would ultimately hurt her. Jimmy might be a monster to think that but he didn't even care anymore. He wanted to do whatever she needed him to do to repair the damage he had caused.

"Are you willing to talk to me now instead of walking away?" she asked, "What you did…you wouldn't let me get away with that, nor should you."

"I can't promise what you asked of me," he said sadly, "I want to but I can't."

"I know," she said, "I panicked and I know what I asked was absurd."

Jimmy began to speak but Violet raised a hand letting him know she wasn't done.

"If we even continue being friends, let alone anything else, I do need to ask something of you," she paused taking a breath and collecting her thoughts, "I need you to remember that I am not that thirteen year old you and Buck found in the woods. I need you to remember that even she was tougher than she looked. The truth might not be what I want to hear but it won't break me. Don't run from me no matter how ridiculous I get."

"That I can promise," he said solemnly.

She smiled at him, "Well, that's a good start."

She stood and moved to head to the kitchen with a comment about needing to see to supper but Jimmy stopped her.

"I want to ask something of you," he said softly and took a deep breath when she raised her eyes to him. "I know I'm prone enough to being an idiot and apparently I can be a first class jackass too. I'd like it if you not take so long to call me on it."

"Deal," she said, "Now if you sit down at the table I think supper is ready."

He sat down and watched her bring plates of food for their meal. Jimmy was fairly certain she was trying to impress him although the one who ought to be trying to impress someone was him.

"This all looks wonderful, Violet," he said, "I can still call you that, can't I?"

"Yes Jimmy," she smiled, "You can."

They dished up their food and sat eating quietly for a while. The quiet bothered Jimmy.

"How's teaching here in Rock Creek?" he asked just desperate to make conversation.

"It's sort of strange to be in front of the classroom I once sat in," she said, "But otherwise it's much like anywhere else. Same kids, just with different names."

"Do you like teaching, Violet?"

"Most days," she replied, "I guess it's like any other job, you can't love it all the time."

He nodded and they finished their supper. Violet excused herself to get the pie she had made for dessert. She paused in the kitchen trying to figure why they couldn't talk like they had before. Blinking back a few tears at the disaster the night was turning into, she forced a smile and carried the pie into the kitchen.

"So Jimmy," she said as she settled into her seat again, "Has Rock Creek changed much from a law enforcement perspective?"

"I think it might be quieter," he answered, "Before, we was so close to war and that makes folks edgy."

They finished dessert and went to sit on the front porch. They both looked contemplatively at the sky and the clouds they could see forming that had not yet covered the illuminating moon. Lightning flickered in the distance and they each took note of the length of time before they heard the soft rumble. It wasn't a great amount of time. If Jimmy headed back to the jail right then he could make it before the worst of the storm hit. But he didn't want to leave her. He didn't want to go anywhere. He still thought he maybe should go until he turned to tell her as much and caught sight of her face that was reliving another stormy night some eight years earlier. The guilt hit him hard, harder than he thought it ever had before. That was saying something too because he had dealt with some powerful guilt over this.

"I'm sorry, Violet. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry we couldn't catch him before he got you again. I'm sorry for messing things up when you kissed me and I'm sorry I left you to him. I might as well have served you to him on a platter. I'm just sorry."

His shoulders slumped and he felt defeated. It was true he had saved her when the large man had grabbed her from her room but it was his blunders that left her alone there in the first place. And if he had caught the monster earlier he wouldn't have been roaming around to take her again at all.

"No Jimmy," she said softly through tears she might have tried to hide from others, "You did everything anyone could ask of you. You and Buck worked so hard to track him and I remember how helpless you looked every time I saw you. It broke my heart. You promised you'd catch him and it was consuming you."

She reached out and placed a hand on his face and went on.

"I owe you the apology," she said and the tears were coming harder and her voice was scratchy and her breath hitching, "Not just you but the others too. I couldn't remember enough. It was bad enough I couldn't even scream when he grabbed me. I wasn't that far into the woods, I don't think. Someone might have heard me if I could have done more than whisper. But I couldn't and then all I could tell you was a shadow smelling of cigars and whiskey attacked me. You put yourself through hell to find that man and I didn't help at all. I might as well have killed those other girls myself!"

Jimmy had no idea how to react to her words. She owed him nothing, no apology or anything else.

"How can you say those things?" he demanded of her, "It was dark and he kept in shadow. He didn't let you see no more. He killed those girls, not you."

"I did everything wrong," she sobbed, "I let you down. I let them down."

"It was my job to find him," he told her, "Mine and Buck's…well, and the rest of the guys. That shadow was good. He hid his tracks even from Buck and that takes some doing. I've gotten better through the years but I never met a better tracker than Buck. He never missed a thing so if he couldn't find this guy there was nothing to miss. Hell, if I hadn't seen the body myself I would've thought he really was just a shadow."

"Every girl that died it was like he was sending a message straight to me," she said, "Like he wanted to remind me that we had unfinished business."

"My God, Vi," he said feeling sick, "You got to let me go. All I can ever do is bring up the memories that hurt you."

"You're wrong," she replied, "It's not you. It's the storm and sometimes it's seeing a woods or seeing the half moon like it was when the first grabbed me. It's hearing a name. I had a Carrie as a student and that did it. Today Millie Dawes brought the whole thing up. She knew a girl had lived but no one knows it was me. You don't make me think of the bad things really. You were the only good at that time. You would come and see how I was doing and talk to me like I wasn't a battered looking little girl. You called me friend and shared your own friends with me. I hate that you feel guilty about things that are my fault so much more than they are yours."

"If you can't see how bad this is for you then I guess I have to be the one to walk away," he said standing, "I love you and not just the little girl you was. I love the woman you've become. I need to grow up though and I can't keep hurting someone I love like I am."

He walked off the porch and into the rain that was now beating heavily on the ground. Violet stood and saw all she needed in her life walking away from her.

"I don't know if you're being an idiot or a jackass," she hollered at him, "But you're certainly being one of those."

"Someone has to look out for you, Violet," he told her.

"If you want it to be you then you can't walk away," she said and her tears renewed though they no longer had anything to do with what happened to her years earlier. "You say you love me and then you walk away. I can tell you don't want to. If you really ever wanted to leave me, you would already be gone."

"I don't want to," he agreed, "Got to. It's high time I did the right thing for once. Maybe then I could look myself in the mirror."

He started to walk away from her but she ran off the porch and grabbed him.

"It's better this way," he said when she spun him to face her, "Your folks never wanted this anyway."

"What do they matter in this?" she demanded, "I need you, Jimmy!"

"No you don't. You just think you do."

"Since you found me in the woods, we've been bound together," she said, "I know you feel it too. I know it's scary, like something was determined for us that we had no choice in but the more I am around you the more I know that even if the choice was mine, you would be it. And it's not even being around you, it's being away from you too. I know you feel this too. You brought me back to life but if you leave, you'll take that life with you. Look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel it. Tell me you don't feel that current of energy run between us. Tell me when I'm in your arms that it feels wrong. Tell me that leaving me won't turn you back into the shell of a man I found in the street. Look me in the eye and tell me all that and I'll let you go."

He raised his eyes to her. She was out of breath from yelling and maybe from fear as well. Her chest was heaving in the heavy downpour and her blouse stuck to her. Her face was set in a determination to hold her emotions in check and her eyes were flashing fire into the rain brighter and angrier than the lightning. He wanted to tell her that he should go, that it was right and that he could leave her but he could not. Instead he closed the few feet that separated them and allowed his lips to crash into hers. They stood in the rain engaged in a passionate and bruising kiss until they absolutely had to part in order to breathe. Then Jimmy picked her up and carried her inside, kicking the door shut behind him as he went. He didn't put her down until they were in her bedroom. He lifted her blouse over her head and was greeted by the sight of her breasts trying to escape their confinement in her corset. He'd had some experience in taking off a woman's corset though maybe not all he needed. Still, he managed it in very short order and in the dark of her room, with the storm raging outside, they laid waste to the fear and the guilt and replaced it with passion and even with their love for one another.

Later Violet lay contented in Jimmy's arms with her head rising and falling with each breath he took. His heartbeat was strong in her ear and she knew she was where she had needed to get to. Teaspoon was right, fate was a scary thing but she was learning more every day about conquering her fears. One thought still nagged at her.

"Jimmy," she said softly in case he was sleeping although she was sure his breathing and heartbeat weren't back to normal yet. He grunted a response. "Are we still engaged? I mean, I know we're at the least very good friends again but before you walked away, I was your fiancée. I'm not sure what I am now."

Jimmy began to speak and then remembered something.

"I'll be right back," he told her kissing the top of her head and slipping out of bed. He found his jacket and fished the small cloth bag out of the pocket. Then he knelt next to the bed and looked her in the eyes.

"I brought this for you as a way to say I was sorry," he began, "I think maybe now it means something else."

He handed her the bag and she opened it. He turned her bedside lamp up so she could see it better and the smile that spread across her face was one he was sure he could look at forever.

"I hear tell it's customary to give a gift when you get engaged to someone. If we ain't still engaged, I'll ask you again. There ain't nothing I want more than to be engaged to you except maybe to be married to you."

"It's beautiful!" she exclaimed, "I think it will be lovely with the wedding dress mother said I would look best in. She's usually right about these things. Now get back into bed before you catch your death!"

* * *

**I think maybe they'll be alright. There's nothing like a good fight and some hot sex to make things better. I really love who Violet has become. I think she's good for him.-J**


	10. Chapter 10

"Quit your twitching, Jimmy," Teaspoon admonished, "She's going to turn right around in the aisle and run if she sees you fidgeting like that."

Jimmy was nervous enough that she wouldn't even come. She could still change her mind and he wouldn't blame her if she did. He looked around and saw nearly the entire town of Rock Creek and a few who lived just outside of it. Lou was in the front pew beaming at him and trying to keep her two young sons in check. Kid stood at his side, rings in his pocket. Kid smiled reassuringly as Jimmy caught his eye. They'd had more than a couple conversations about marriage over the last month or so as Violet and her mother prepared for this day. Jimmy didn't understand what needed such preparation but there was talk of the dress and decorations and the menu. He figured it best if he just stayed out of it and focused on what he needed to do which was find a place for them to live. Of course she didn't even know about that. She thought they would live in the small house provided for the town's schoolteacher for a while until they found a place. He had discovered a better option and after the party tonight he would show her what he had been up to.

Keeping the secret hadn't been hard. Their time together had consisted of a few stolen moments here and there and little of that time was spent talking. He couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as he thought of the nights he would come to visit her under the guise of making his rounds. He would have a few hours to spend exploring her body before he had to leave. Today would mark the end of that. They would share a home and no one would think ill of either of them for it. It hadn't been easy getting to this point. He had still been concerned about her folks. But he went to the bank one day and asked to see her father.

"Thanks for seeing me, Mr. Markham," Jimmy said as he had been led into the man's office, "I can't imagine I'm your favorite person right now."

"First, call me Tom," the man had replied, "And second, I will always make time for the constabulary of the town."

Jimmy took the seat Mr. Markham nodded to.

"I ain't here on business and I think you know that, Tom," Jimmy said, "I know I should've done this before asking her but you got to understand how bad she needed me to ask that. I guess I needed to ask it pretty bad too. It's too late to ask for her hand because she's made her choice and frankly even if you said no, I don't think that would change a great deal. I sure would like your blessing though. I'd like to know that I ain't messing things up between you and her."

"I won't lie, Marshal Hickok," Tom Markham began and paused only to correct himself when Jimmy asked to be addressed less formally. "This was not the match we had anticipated for Violet. I am frankly not sure what to think. I never got to know too much of you before and I know even less about you now. I don't know if I can give that blessing yet."

"I respect that," Jimmy said, "I'd respect if you spent the rest of your days hating me. I don't know as I can convince you to feel anything good about me at all but Violet spent far too long without the two of you. It was her choice and she knows that but now that she's got herself over some things, I don't want her to miss another minute of time she could spend with you and her ma. She loves the two of you a great deal and she's cut herself off from folks who love her too long."

"You really care about her, don't you?" Tom Markham said in disbelief.

"I know it seems if I did, I'd leave but I can't do that to her again and I really don't like who I am without her," Jimmy replied, "Yeah, I love her a whole awful lot."

Jimmy watched as the man across the desk seemed to mull over his words and maybe even the way he said them. There was no pretense in his words or his demeanor. He was laying it all on the table. The truth of his feelings for Violet was all he had to argue with. He hoped that someday, if God saw fit to grace him with a child, that he would be able to look past whatever might need looking past for that child's happiness. If that child was a daughter, he prayed to be able to remember that nothing was as important as a man that would love her with every bit of his heart and soul. Jimmy could only hope that would be enough to convince Violet's father as well.

"I haven't seen her this happy since she was thirteen years old," Violet's father said, "I don't mean before that day either. I forgot how happy she is when she's with you. I forgot how much like her old self, her carefree and courageous self, she is when she's with you. I can't match you physically but I have enough power to level nearly every aspect of your life if you ever hurt my little girl. I don't think it's even necessary to point that out though. I can see you love her. She loves you. If you want a blessing, then you have it. If you wanted my permission to have her hand, you have that too."

Standing now at the front of the church, he felt the weight of Mr. Markham's words. He looked over as Mrs. Markham took her seat and smiled at him. He scanned the church again and spotted his brother-in-law Nathan behind Lou surrounded by the children. Celinda would be serving as matron of honor. No doubt she was helping Violet with her dress or flowers at that moment. He knew the time was close and thinking how close he was to promising the rest of his life to marriage actually calmed him. He knew this was right. It was maybe the only right thing he had ever done in all his days.

Music started and he saw his sister heading toward him with a wide smile. He had wired her at Violet's insistence and she had been overjoyed that he had finally seen fit to settle down. She and Nathan had been in town for the last week. It had been wonderful to reconnect with his sister and meet his nephew and nieces. Celinda had taken an instant liking to Violet and even though Violet was going to ask Celinda to stand with her anyway on merit of her being Jimmy's sister, Jimmy thought that she had ultimately asked because they had become friends.

The day before, a wire had come from Lydia. She was not able to make it for the wedding but would come and visit soon. She was even married now and was bringing her children with her. Her husband needed to stay and tend the farm. Jimmy had known that Violet was bringing him the promise of family with a future he hadn't contemplated before but that she would help him rediscover his relationship with his sisters was something unexpected. Meeting nieces and nephews for the first time was something he honestly never thought he would be able to do and had tried to convince himself he didn't even want to. Someday perhaps he could even introduce his sisters to his children.

Celinda reached the front of the church and took a second to give him a quick hug. Then the music changed and everyone stood and looked toward the back of the church. Jimmy did too and at first saw nothing but then there was Tom Markham looking prouder than Jimmy thought he'd ever seen a father look. On his arm was Violet. Even through her veil, he could see she was glowing. The dress was off her shoulders with a wide lace ruffle covering her arms almost to the elbow. The sleeves puffed down to her delicate wrists. The skirt was full and Jimmy almost wondered how there was room for the skirt and Mr. Markham in the aisle of the small church. It ruffled at the bottom and had a huge layer of ornate beaded lace over top. Most of her hair was piled atop her head and in front he could see white flowers and ivy under the veil. He could also see the hair that wasn't piled had been cajoled into perfect ringlets that cascaded down her back and over her shoulders. She held a bouquet of roses and ivy in her hand. She looked around the church and then her eyes met his and locked onto them. He could feel that connection, that feeling that this was predetermined. He knew she felt it too as she offered him a smile.

Mr. Markham and Violet made their way to the front of the church and Jimmy was surprised when, before he did anything else, Tom Markham shook his hand. Then gave his daughter a hug and placed her hand in Jimmy's. Jimmy once again felt the weight and importance of what was about to happen. Teaspoon cleared his throat and Jimmy tried to pay attention but he kept being distracted by the beauty beside him. It wasn't proper to notice in a church but she had once again cinched her corset extra tight and the low cut of the dress was making him think more about the wedding night than the ceremony taking place around him. He still managed to say the right things at the right times and slipped the simple gold band on her finger. Finally Teaspoon told him to kiss his bride which he gladly did. They were announced as husband and wife and Jimmy thought the buttons might pop right off of his shirt for how his chest swelled at the thought that this lovely woman was his wife.

The rest of the night was a blur to Jimmy except for when the band started up and he led his lovely Violet to the dance floor. They swayed to the music, the only people on earth as far as they cared. It was them against the world from then on out and perhaps it always had been. Her body felt right against his and his arms felt meant to hold her. She had taken off her veil and he could see the glint of the clip as the purple stones sparkled in the lamplight. She was beautiful and she was perfect and she was his. She had told him once that she clung to the belief that everything happened for a reason, even the bad things, maybe especially the bad things. He knew he'd never be glad that man had hurt her as he had but if she hadn't been attacked, their fates would never have become so tangled together as to allow this to happen. He wouldn't have her in his arms right now and wouldn't be looking at the next forever with her. He'd heard that when a person dies, their life flashes before their eyes, the past. No one told him that when he married his future would flash before his. He saw himself with a young boy, standing behind him and helping him steady one of his Colts on a target while Violet beamed at him stroking a rounded belly. He saw himself helping a young girl on a horse that looked like Sundance, and not wanting to let her go to take the horse's lead so he could take her around a corral. He saw another wedding day where that curly haired girl was grown and wore the white dress and clung to his arm down the aisle as a young man looked at her with his eyes shining with love. He saw himself and Violet sitting on a porch, grey haired and smiling with their hands clasped tightly.

The party wound down and the couple decided to head for home. Violet looked at him confused when he led her in the opposite direction of her house. She had spent the night before at her parents' house so she had been oblivious to his preparing this for her. None of her things occupied the small dwelling as they had all been moved to what would be their new home.

"I have a little wedding present for you," he tried to explain without giving too much away.

"I'm sure you do but don't we have to be home for you to give it to me?" she asked, her eyebrow arching.

"That ain't the present I'm talking about but it's nice you think that highly of it."

She giggled, "Why yes, I have grown rather fond of it."

"The feeling's pretty mutual there, Mrs. Hickok."

She stopped dead in her tracks as an odd smile played across her face.

"Mrs. Hickok," she said dreamily, "Violet Hickok. Violet Sarah Hickok. I used to doodle that on my tablets when I was younger. Who would have thought it would ever be the truth?"

She took up his arm again.

"So where are we going, my love?"

"Home," he said stopping in front of what had once been the Pony Express station. She had been so busy with teaching and with wedding preparations that she hadn't known the activity had been going on at the place. He and Kid had painted it and put the roof to good repair again. The porch was new and larger and now had room for a little couch, Violet called it a settee, like at her parents' house. The barn had been fixed up and he had even gotten Lou's help with curtains and things like that. It looked like a nice home for a couple just starting out. He wasn't sure what she had planned for children but he knew he could add on if he needed to.

"You did all this for me?" she asked.

"For us," he said shaking his head, "This was home to me once and I like the idea it could be again."

"It's perfect," she told him throwing her arms around his neck. "I didn't want to say this before but we're going to need the extra room sooner than you maybe thought."

He looked at her in question.

"I'm going to have a baby," she clarified, "Hopefully not too many people around town can count past seven because that's all the farther I'll get before it comes."

"Baby?" he asked getting a silly smile on his face and she nodded at him. "Are you okay? I should get you off your feet. Maybe you shouldn't be teaching all them kids every day. That could be too much for you."

He bent down and placed a hand over her belly.

"Should you really have your corset this tight?"

She laughed at him.

"I am fine, Jimmy. What are you going to be like once the baby is born?"

"Worse," he said simply, "Much worse. Still I do need to get you off your feet and carry you over the threshold of our home."

"I do like the sound of that," she told him, "And then can I have my other wedding present?"

"As you wish."

* * *

**And with that I think I can leave those two to their happy ever aftering. A new life to begin together, their lives laid out before them just waiting to be lived and a Hickok baby on the way. And those who know me know that I just love the very thought of Hickok babies! Jimmy is pleased with this ending. And I do love the woman Violet became. I think this is something close to the woman she was destined to become before the Shadow got her. A little stronger perhaps and maybe a little more cautious but she got her joy back and that is so important. I hope the journey was worth taking with us. I enjoyed it even when they were utterly vexing to me. I thank you all for taking the trip. What follows this note is the lyrics to a song from Mumford and Sons as yet unreleased new CD. It is due out September 24. I think if you read the poetic words of one Marcus Mumford that you will understand how they apply to dear Jimmy and Violet.-J**

* * *

Hopeless Wanderer – Mumford and Sons

Hear my voice  
I came out of the woods by choice  
Shelter also gave their shade  
And in the dark I have no name  
So leave that click in my head  
And I will remember the words that you said  
Left a clouded mind and a heavy heart  
But I am sure we'll see a new start  
So when your hopes on fire  
But you know your desire  
Don't hold a glass over the flame  
Don't let your heart grow cold  
I will call you by name  
I will share your road

I wrestled long with my youth  
I tried so hard to live in the truth  
But do not tell me what is right  
When I lose my head, I lose my spine  
So leave that click in my head  
And I won't remember the words that you said  
You brought me out from the cold  
Now, how I long, how I long to grow old  
So when your hopes are on fire  
But you know your desire  
Don't hold a glass over the flame  
Don't let your heart grow cold  
I will call you by name  
I will share your road

Hold me fast, Hold me fast  
Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer  
Hold me fast, Hold me fast  
Cuz I'm a hopeless wanderer  
I will learn, I will learn to love the sky I wander  
I will learn, I will learn to love the sky I wander  
The sky I wander


End file.
